My Libran Bloodbank

The Only Singapore Film @ Indie Can Film Festival

2009-09-30T11:44:00.003+08:00

This short post goes out to all my friends who've been wondering what exactly has happened to that film that I promised everyone that I've made. All of you have not seen it and all these past three years I don't blame you if you've been thinking that my film is actually an imaginary friend that I've made up. Thankfully, I now have prove of its existence for you. The loophole of course is that you'll actually have to take a flight to Toronto, Canada in order to see it.

On October 4th 2009 at 1.30pm, my film "25 to Life" will be premiering at the Indie Can Film Festival held at the campus of the University of Toronto, at the Innis Town Hall Theatre in Toronto, Canada.

It's been a long time coming but I finally found a film festival that was supportive enough of independent filmmakers to show my film. It is only one of a small handful of feature films shown amidst mostly short films but to me, its a little reward for all that I've gone through for this small passion project of mine.

It's kinda unfortunate that Jan and I couldn't be there for the premiere but hopefully I'll be able to get a Singapore viewing done so that all of you can finally see what I wasted these years of my life for. It's by no means my best work (ha! far from it) but I think its a testament of my perseverance, my belief in myself and my passion for film. That I think endures more than any articles and scripts that I have written. The pic you see above is a version of the official movie poster of my film done by yours truly. If you want a full sized movie poster sized one, just drop me an email and I'll email it to you! :)

Seiko Watches, Eco Cars and Crazy Emails

2009-01-17T16:21:00.003+08:00

I did a weird thing the other day. I sent an email to Seiko watches that talked about something totally unrelated to watches at all. The email was so crazy I thought it just might make for an interesting entry for my little-read blog. Ha..ha...

So what's the significance of Seiko watches to my story? Well, to tell a short story long, it's about my favourite watch in the world - the Seiko Kinetic. See, more than thirty years ago, my mum bought my dad a very expensive watch for his birthday. It was a rugged, square-faced Seiko watch with a hefty metal strap. And it was a Seiko Kinetic. Now, for all you non-watch fans out there, a Seiko Kinetic is a watch that has a tiny dynamo within it which can utilise the movement of your hand to recharge the battery inside your watch whilst you're wearing it. The watch can run forever without ever needing a change of battery. I once saw a documentary on TV about the Seiko Kinetic watch. Apparently, there are gyroscopes which capture the movement of your wrist and through gears and spindles, these gyroscopes amplify your wrist movements at a geometric rate to a tiny spindle which spins at incredible speeds, generating current to store and charge the battery inside your watch. A watch which doesn't need a battery replacement! What a cool watch, right?

Do any of you still remember we used to ride bicycles which had these lamps which were powered by dynamos attached to the bicycle's wheels? A metal dynamo with a gear was attached to the rim of your bicycle wheel with a wire connecting it to the lamp. Whenever you pedalled on your bike, the revolution of the wheel would turn the gear and the dynamo would convert the motion into an electric current and your lamp would light up. Simple idea, right?

Well, I've always wondered why the concept of the dynamo could not be used for the motorcar. Turns out it is being used. But in a very small way. See, every motorcar on the road today has a dynamo called an alternator. The alternator is connected to the fan-belt of your car's engine. Whenever your engine is running, the fan-belt will also spin. The alternator would then convert the fan belt's kinetic energy into electrical current to recharge your car's battery. In this way, your car battery lasts longer. That's why you should never leave your car light on after you finish parking. It will exhaust the battery cos the car's not moving and thus the battery won't be recharged.

Notice that I mentioned that the battery is connected only to the fan belt. Now, when you drive a car, what are the parts of the car which picks up the most kinetic energy? The wheels, right? So why isn't the battery connected to the wheel axels then? Well, for a conventional internal combustion engine, the battery actually doesn't need all that much juice.

However, things are different for an electric car run on batteries. But there are hybrids like the Toyota Prius, right? Don't those cars recharge their batteries whilst they are running? Well, they do and they don't. See, the weird thing is that the batteries on all hybrid cars today are recharged by Regenerative Braking. That is, whenever, you apply the brakes on your car, the force exerted by the brakes is transformed to recharge the car battery in the hybrid car. So what your hybrid car is actually doing is recharging your car whenever you stop moving. Not when you are moving. The largest and most constant source of kinetic energy that your car generates is totally laid to waste in your car today.

But what about other hybrid cars that are coming out like the GM Volt? Those claim to use your engine to recharge your battery, right? Well, yes. New plug-in hybrids on the horizon do utilise the car engine as a generator to recharge the batteries in the car when the batteries run low. But they do not utilise the kinetic energy of your car wheels in any efficient way. What they propose to do is to use fuel to power the internal combustion engine, which then runs as a generator to power the car and recharge the car batteries running your car. This is essence means they are merely using oil in a less direct way to power your car.

Now imagine you could actually harness the motion of your car wheels to recharge your car battery. Won't that be wonderous? Simple, right? Well, not quite. See, in those good ol days of your chopper bicycle, the light of the lamp on your bicycle would actually flicker when your pedalling speed decreased, and would go out whenever you stop. Now, how can that recharge all those car batteries in your hybrid, right?

Well, that's where the Seiko Kinetic watch comes in. See, the Seiko Kinetic watch doesn't simply convert the movement of your wrist to electrical current on a one-to-one ration. If that was the case, you would have to flap your arms like a windmill to get even an hour of juice. No, the Seiko Kinetic uses gyroscope and gears the size of the watch face. These gyroscopes and gears turn ever smaller gears exponentially until the energy is transferred to a wire thin spindle which spins at an astronomical rate. The result? The Seiko Kinetic is able to exponentially increase the energy of your arm movement to a considerable amount of electrical charge. This electrical charge is then stored and can be utilised whenever the watch needs battery power.

Of course, a watch is not a car. How much battery does your watch need right? Well, that's true but how fast do you move your wrist, right? Now imagine how fast and often your car wheel turns when you drive. Now imagine how much your wheel axel has to turn in order to make your car wheel turn. The movement of your wheel axel is exponentially higher than the movement of your car wheel. Now imagine how much motion is generated by your car wheel to your wheel axel. Now imagine how much electrical energy you can generate off of all 4 car wheels on your motor vehicle? If you can somehow harness the technology of the Seiko Kinetic watch, you would be able to capture the kinetic energy of your car and relay back to the battery cells in your electric car and recharge your car. The electrical system of the car could be set up such that half of the battery cells would be in use for discharging and running the car whilst the other half of the cells would be recharged by the Seiko Kinetic alternator attached to all four wheels.

Sounds like a simple idea, right? Well, it is. Of course, if the idea is so good, somebody should have thought of it by now, right? Well, somebody definitely have. But with the oil industry and motorcar industry as powerful as they are, who would dare introduce a device which would potentially wreck the money making ability of the oil barons around the world? That's part of the reason why the car industry has resisted using such technology in their hybrids. Thankfully, there are companies out there which are slowly coming around. There is a companym2epower.com which has come up with inventions like sensitive floors which can convert the energy of people walking on the floor to electric power and similar alternators for cars.

Wait a minute... so what was that crazy email about anyway? Well, ridiculous oaf that I am - I actually wrote an email to Seiko watches Japan on their website, asking them whether they were thinking of utilising their Seiko Kinetic technology to recharge electric cars. Crazy, right? The email will probably be junked, right? Well, that's definitely true. But I'm hoping that there is a Seiko employee on the other side of the world reading my stupid email. I'm hoping that the stupidity of my email makes him laugh so much that he'll mention it in passing to one of his colleagues. I'm hoping that his colleague will repeat that joke to his friends in other departments. And hopefully, just hopefully, someone crazy in some small department in Seiko's R&D department will hear about my stupid joke of an email and decide that my idea just might be crazy enough to work. I mean, crazier things have happened, right? :)

Trailer for my movie

2008-11-08T16:41:00.003+08:00

Its been a long time coming but I've finally cut a trailer for my movie... ha..ha... Check it out below...

Blast From the Past

2008-06-10T11:02:00.003+08:00

Got a blast from the past this week. A friend of mine informed me that one of her friends has finally set up a film company and that I should check out his website. I clicked onto his homepage and found a little filmlet that was produced almost 10 years ago. What is this filmlet? Well, its a 4-minute short film that my good friend Brian and I starred in almost 10 years ago. The film actually was shortlisted in the top 10 of a short film contest organised by Tiger Beer. It was so funny looking at ten year old images of Brian and I hamming it up for the cameras. This is and most likely going to be the only time you'll see me acting. Ha...ha....its so funny looking at it again. Thought you might want to see how skinny and young we all were last century!

The Big Apple In 5

2008-03-25T10:51:00.037+08:00

Jan and I went to LA and New York from Jan 18 to 29th. We spent 5 days in LA and 5 days in New York. Here's how our New York trip went...

Getting In/Out of JFK

New York City is big. The last thing you want to do is to be seen lugging your suitcases all around the subway looking for directions. Arriving at the John F. Kennedy (JFK) Airport at eight in the morning, our yellow cab took a half-hour to get us to our hotel in midtown Manhattan. We paid a flat fare of US$45 (excluding tips) as the State of New York has instituted a flat fare of US$45 for passengers boarding a cab from JFK to Manhattan. (There’s no flat fare for cabs going to JFK from Manhattan. To avoid paying a hundred-dollar cab fare on our return trip, we took a coach ferry service from our hotel for US$22 per person. )

Having booked a hotel room online, we arrived at the Red Roof Inn at West 32^nd Street and 5^th Avenue for check-in. Located along Korean Way right in midtown Manhattan, the Red Roof Inn is literally a block away from the Empire State Building on a street lined with Korean restaurants. We deposited our bags at the hotel and decided to visit the number one stop on everyone’s list - the Empire State Building.

The Empire Strikes Back

Since 9-11, security has been stepped up at the Empire State Building and other major buildings all across New York. After passing through the security check queue at the hall of the building, we took a lift up to the ticketing station where we paid an admission fee of US$20 per person and a little extra to get a souvenir map of the city. From there, we walked to another lift leading directly to the observatory deck.

The New York skyline beckoned us as the lift doors opened. There, through the gleaming clear glass and steel façade of the observatory room, was a panoramic view of the Manhattan skyline. Stepping through the heavy steel doors to the observatory deck, we could see the Chrysler Building, Times Square, the Metlife building, Hudson River - the whole of New York. We had to run back indoors to the observatory room periodically to keep warm throughout our time on the deck (it was -8 ˚C) but the incredible vistas of New York we saw that day are memories we’ll cherish for a long time to come.

Hotdogs, Pretzels & Pizzas

Food stands are everywhere in Manhattan and they are a must-try. You can get pretzels, knishes, and Danish pastries in the morning and hotdogs by lunchtime. Jan and I shared a pretzel at the pretzel stand right across our hotel. We also had a hot dog each, stuffing our New York dogs with sauerkraut, relish, mustard and ketchup. They were fantastic!

Next up on our list was pizza. From the New York thin slice to Chicago deep dish, pizzas with eggplant, broccoli and mushrooms to the classic pepperoni, we weren’t let down by the mind-blowing spread at Bravo’s Pizza (at midtown Manhattan between 36^th and 37^th Street). My wife and I shared a deep dish with everything on top and an eggplant pizza. They were heavenly. We didn’t manage to get to the most famous pizza place in the Big Apple but for those of you who want to go to the pizza place featured in Seinfeld, the Simpsons, and Sex in the City, Famous Ray’s Pizza of Greenwich Village at 11th Street and Sixth Avenue is the ticket.

Shopping in the Big Apple

Sex In The City fans know that Manhattan is a shopping Mecca. After lunch, we took a short walk to the biggest departmental store in the world – Macy’s. Located at 151 West 34^th Street in Manhattan, Macy’s takes up an entire city block and is so big it’s divided into Men’s and Women’s with different entrances to boot! We found great bargains at the cosmetics counters and Macy’s own Charter Club clothing line. We spent the better part of an afternoon at Macy’s and it was worth every minute.

We also dropped in at Conway’s, a bargain store. Located right across the street from Macy’s, Conway sells clothing at ridiculously low prices. Although not your latest top of the line fashion, there are great bargains to be had. I bought two virtual knock-offs of Gap pullovers at only US$10 each. They almost made me regret shopping at Gap!

We spent the bulk of our fourth day in New York at the famed Century 21 departmental store. Located right across from Ground Zero (at 22 Cortlandt Street between Church and Broadway), Century 21 is the place to go if you’re looking for brand name clothes at a deep discounted rate. Filled with Armani suits and countless designer brands, there are bargains galore here. An Armani suit at Century 21 costs less than US$300.

Being lovers of video, photographic equipment and gadgets, we also stopped by the B&H Video store on 9^th Avenue on our fifth and last day in New York. One of the world’s leading retailers of imaging products, B&H has the best prices on professional photographic equipment worldwide. If you’re shopping for that elusive camera light that you can’t seem to find in Singapore, this is the place to head to.

Manhattan Transfer & The Liberty Trail

New York has one of the best public transport systems in the world and taking the subway is the best way to get around New York. We got a 7-day Metro Pass for US$24 at the subway ticketing booth which got us unlimited rides on the subway and bus. Be sure to get a copy of the subway map guide of New York too as taking the wrong train could lead you to Harlem or the Bronx instead of Brooklyn or Manhattan.

From 1892 to 1954, nearly 12 million immigrants passed through the immigration depot at Ellis Island. Now a museum, no trip to New York is complete without a trip to Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty on Liberty Island. Taking the train to the Bowling Green subway station, we got a ferry ticket to both the islands. We also paid a little extra for a tape-recorder audio tour of the Statue of Liberty Park along with our ferry tickets. We dedicated our second day in New York to this trip, starting really early in the morning as the last ferry back from the islands was 4.30pm.

On the island itself, the tape recorder tour took us through the various spots on the park and the museum exhibits on the history of the Statue of Liberty. Although the stairs to the top of the statue’s crown has been closed off since 2001, we were able to climb to the top of the base of the Statue for a bird’s eye view of the harbour. It was a beautiful sight indeed.

At Ellis Island, the ranger guide tour of the facility treated us to a history lesson on the procedures that immigrants had to go through back in the old days. Walking through the historical exhibits in the cavernous halls of the building, it was one photo-op after another as we tried to take in all the history around us.

Little Boat Quay & the Land of Yatta

From the Bowling Green station, we took the subway to Canal Street, walking to Little Italy on Mulberry street, intent on finding our way to those charming Italian restaurants we had seen in so many Woody Allen and Godfather films. Unfortunately, the whole area was a bit too touristy for our liking. We had a hard time choosing a restaurant but eventually settled on the Amici’s II restaurant. We ordered the squid ink pasta with prawns and the (Goat’s cheese spagetthi?). The squid ink pasta tasted ok but we were missing the much touted ‘American portions’ that we had heard so much about from our friends and somehow we kept thinking of how Pasta Brava (back home in Singapore) would’ve whipped this restaurant’s ass.

After dinner, it was on to Times Square. Stepping out of the Times Square subway station, we were instantly wowed by the neon signs of Virgin Megastore, Hard Rock Café and multitude others. Looking around, we immediately spotted a curious sight. Right smack at that famous road divider on Times Square were a bunch of young men lining up to take photographs. Their arms outstretched, heads looking up, they took their turns yelling “Yatta”, mimicking a trademark scene from the American hit television series “Heroes". Hiro Nakamura would’ve been proud!

Headlined by a huge Neon sign of its name, the Toys ‘R’ Us in Times Square is a must-see. The store is so huge it actually has a full-sized ferris wheel within it! There was also a snarling, full-sized, mechanised tyrannosaurus-rex, a life-sized Superman figurine protecting you from a falling 14-wheeler truck and a giant Spider-man spraying a gigantic glop of web over your head. A surreal experience indeed.

The Table Where Sally Came

No trip to New York is complete without a trip to a delicatessen. On our third day in New York, we visited Katz’s Delicatessen - reportedly the best deli in New York. Located at 205 East Houston Street, Katz’s Deli is the delicatessen where Meg Ryan faked an orgasm in the movie When Harry Met Sally. Famous for its pastrami sandwich, we made our way to Katz’s by subway, taking the train to Washington Square station, a five minute walk away from the restaurant.

Essentially a self-service deli with full service booth seats at the side of the restaurant, the pastrami sandwich was heavenly - moist and flavourful as only a New York pastrami sandwich could be. My wife’s corned beef sandwich was equally tender but the piece de resistance has to be the chopped liver. Soft and flavourful like chilled foie gras, the liver was sweet and brilliantly textured.

Several doors down, we visited Russ & Daughters Appetizers, a shop reputed for its smoked fish, caviar and specialty foods. Established since 1914, Russ & Daughters is the best place for caviar in New York. We also bought the Super Heeb bagel sandwich – a smoked salmon salad bagel sandwich with horse radish cream cheese and wasabi flying fish roe – a must have for lovers of fish roe!

Washington Square Park & NYU

After a glorious lunch at Katz’s we visited another landmark - the Washington Square Park in Greenwich Village. Flanked by New York University, the Washington Square Park is home to the Washington Square Arch – a mini version of the Arc de Triumph found in Paris. This was the place Meg Ryan dropped off Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally and the home and laboratory of Will Smith in the film I am Legend. The trees and the arch are incredibly beautiful and the in-built chess boards in the southwest corner of the park are also home to chess players from all across New York. Stanley Kubrick was known to be a frequent chess player here in his youth too. Featured in the 1994 film Searching for Bobby Fischer, the chess tables also form the cornerstone of Manhattan’s “chess district” as the area around the park has a number of chess shops.

Museums, Art & Trains

Taking the subway back from the Washington Square station, we headed to another fa mous site in New York – Grand Central Station. Featured in the cl imax sequence in The Untouchables, Grand Central Stati on is the place where you can purchase tickets for Greyhound bus rides and out-of-city trains. A grand building with wall-to-wall marble, the beautiful architecture of Grand Central Station is a sight to behold.

After browsing through the Grand Central Station mall, we walked through Pershing Square on our way to 5^th Avenue and the New York Public Library. A grand, imposing building with Greek-Roman architecture, moviegoers will remember the library as the place where Peter Parker got Uncle Ben killed in the film version of Spiderman.

From the Public Library we walked along scenic 5^th Avenue and the Museum Mile - a lovely stretch of 5^th Avenue - and visited the Guggenheim Museum, the Metropolitan Mueseum of Art (Met) and the American Museum of National History. Fridays are a good day to visit as you get in free at the Museum of National History whilst the Met allows you to decide how much admission fees you want to pay on that day too.

(Above: The Papua New Guinea exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. This section of the museum was featured in When Harry Met Sally too.)

Korean Food

Retreating back to our hotel, we finished our third day in New York with dinner at one of the many Korean BBQ restaurants next to our hotel. We treated ourselves to some Bulgogi (BBQ beef), BBQ pork, BBQ shrimps and spicy kimchi cod soup. With the order of more than one BBQ dish, we got to have the Barbie right at the grill at our table, grilled and served to us by a waiting staff. The meal came with a free flow of tasty authentic kimchi too! Our BBQ orders actually came with crab and squid kimchi, which was a rare treat indeed.

Chinatown and More Shopping

We explored Chinatown on our fourth day in New York. Located around the Canal Street area, Chinatown is easily accessible by subway. We had lunch at Hong Kong Station, a Chinese eatery along Hester Street selling Rickshaw Noodles - a Hong Kong noodle dish which lets you to choose the type of noodles you want, the soup base you prefer and the ingredients you want in your noodle soup. From garlic soup bases, mushrooms, stewed beef, tripe, fish balls to vegetables and tofu, we got a nice, hearty meal at under US$5 here.

We spent the rest of the day shopping at Century 21 before heading to the flagship Apple Store at Fifth Avenue. Located underground, this Apple Store is renowned for its gigantic, transparent glass cube exterior, adorned only by a solitary glowing white apple icon. We also stopped by FAO Schwarz next door. A high-end toy store filled with exotic stuffed animals, FAO Schwarz is perhaps best known for being the toy store where Tom Hanks played an actual, working, life-sized piano keyboard with his feet in the feature film Big. Kids will love the life-sized keyboard which has now been turned into a central store attraction – manned by two enthusiastic store employees with happy feet.

By dinnertime, though, we were seriously missing Singaporean food. Thankfully, we were able to find the next best thing in Chinatown – a restaurant serving great Malaysian food! We had Roti Chanai (prata done Malaysian style), Satay, Bak Kut Teh, sambal stingray, Sambal Kang Kong and Ipoh beansprouts at Nonya Restaurant along Grand Street (near Mulberr Street). It really hit the spot!

We spent our last day in New York shopping. We picked up some bargains at the Old Navy store along Broadway and got some great stuff at B&H too. The next morning, we took a coach to the airport and flew back to Singapore.

Pics from my LA & NYC Trip

2008-01-31T17:09:00.000+08:00

Just came back from a trip to Los Angeles and New York with the missus from Jan 18 to Jan 29th. Check out the pics at http://picasaweb.google.com/deliciousfilms

Class Reunion at Beach Hut, ECP!

2007-08-13T09:25:00.000+08:00

Went to East Coast Park for my secondary school reunion last Friday. Was really great to see the guys (and Gals) again and their kids! After 16 years, we were literally twice the men that we were back when we were 16! Anyway, thankfully, my friends had cameras on them and I finally have photos to post on my blog. Check out my fat face... sigh..really must go on a diet...

Sec 4D - 16 years later and still fab! (top row from left): Felix, Lingbin, me,
Wanxing, Jeremy, Royston, Rengpei, Yingwen, Zhonghai, Riming, Deming
(middle row from left) Daniel, Guangqiang, Steven
(seated row from left) Nellie, Lifang, Huizhen, Ruihong, Qinghui, Tammy,
Zhiliang, Rongda

Sec 4D 16 years ago...Can you spot who's who?

The guys and me..Clockwise from top row left, Steven,
Riming, Lingbin, Zhonghai and me

Daniel and me talking about the cheap way to set up a
recording studio

Class Sec 4D in congress... That fat face on left is me...

Partners in crime... Daniel and me at the reunion...

(From Left) Me, Rengpei and Deming hamming it up for
the camera

Just for the heck of it....

2007-06-07T17:31:00.000+08:00

Nothing makes me happier than knowing my friends enjoy my blog so this is a shout out to Joanna - thanks for being a regular visitor to my blog :) Anyway, the only reason why this entry is going out is so that I can get that expletive of a blog title off of the last entry of my blog. I was beginning to hate seeing that expletive headlining my blog. Hm... bad choice of title.. Sorry for the language folks...

Anyway, just to update you I am unfortunately still working on my film. What? You ask..Well the colour grading has been completed..It cost me 3k to get it done at Blackmagic Design which altho owned by my friend, didn't get me any discount. Anyway, for those out there who are not in the know, colour grading is a process whereby the post-production house corrects the colour in your film so that the colours are consistent. So visually my film is done. But thing is, in order to submit for colour grading, I had to give them the final cut of the movie and at that time, the audio actually wasn't fully fixed yet. So I thought, aiyah compromise a bit lah... and submitted the final cut to them for colour grading.

Of course, now the colour grading lady after watching the film again (and was about to give me the master copy of my film) was very disturbed by the poor quality of the audio and asked me whether it was the final audio mix. I very paiseh so had to tell her the truth...that I stopped working on the sound in order to get the colour grading done cos at the time my lead actor was too busy to redub his lines. Anyway, she asked if I wanted to replace the audio. As much as I want all this to be completed, I could not ignore the need to finish the film properly. So here I am, still trying to get the faulty sound clips together and trying to get my lead actor to redub his lines again. Then I think I might have to splurge more cash to balance the sound again but this time at a professional sound studio. Cos the last guy I got really no standard lah... aiyah... vomit blood I tell you.. sigh...this has been so tiring... When can I finish all of this and move on... I wonder..

Well, I've submitted my film to a lot of festivals and sadly have met with a lot of rejection. My wife keeps telling me the movie is good but its hard to take one person's opinion as the gospel truth on a subjective thing such as a movie. To date, I've submitted (rough cut submissions) and have been rejected by - Sundance Film Fest, Berlin Film Fest, Santa Barbara Film Fest, Los Angeles Film Fest, NY Asian-American Film Fest, Singapore Film Fest and counting... cos I just submitted to Toronto Film Fest. I soldier on... film festivals remain the cheapest marketing plan...I wish I could tell you it'll be at a cinema near you soon but I guess completing the goddamn thing is the most important thing right?

On the job front, I'm beginning to really start dreading my existence again. I think at this point in my working life, Starhub suddenly seems more exciting. Working on a magazine promoting the polytechnic to secondary school students is really killing me. I hate it! Its simple enough but my God, civil servants are so one kind, I can't begin to tell you how hateful my existence is now. At least at Starhub everyone is professional and we take pride in presenting a good product to the public. There's still some pride left there in having a good product. Here at TP, we worry more about pleasing the Principal and being politically correct.

Counting my age, I realise that I only have 8 years till I turn 40. That's 8 years to make my retirement fund - to earn a million bucks before I get fired for being too expensive and too old. I haven't started a business. I haven't invested my money. I think I'm trying as hard as I can. Between the job, the mortgage, the film and trying to keep myself sane, I guess for me now, its not so much getting over the quarterlife crisis anymore. I've come to think that life after 30 is supposed to be making more hard choices and trying to do the best you can to move ahead, to find your centre, somehow fit God into your life, and hope the world doesn't end before you find enlightenment. So I guess its finally starting to sink in that all things take time and the best I can do is continue to work at it. To keep trying.

I only wish I had a proper business model which would work and let me quit my job. Counting my Starhub days, I think I haven't been on a holiday for years. Some part of me needs the vacation.... I just wish I didn't have to think about what else the money could be used for... cos man, I could really use the break!

Fuck You PAP!

2007-05-01T22:42:00.000+08:00

Yes, you read that right. That is an expletive and that is the well known acronym that pervades our little rock. And I'm saying to anyone who cares to listen, 'Fuck you PAP! You can kiss my hairy balls! Fuck you!!!!' Please pardon my french but I just had to get that out of my chest for I have seen up close how fucked up our little existence can be.

I live in a humble 4-room flat with my wife and though we're not rich, we're not starving. Of course, having been screwed over before by eager monopolistic telephone companies who deduct my monies through GIRO without my permission, most of the bills I now have are actually not paid for through GIRO. This includes my town council conservancy bill. Being significantly lazy, filling up extra forms to pay through GIRO just didn't appeal to me, this I must admit. And during busy months when I'm preoccupied, I must admit, that I only pay my conservancy charge towards the end of the month rather than at the beginning of the month. But by and large, I've almost always paid my conservancy charges within the month they are due.

Last month, however, it slipped my mind totally. I was only reminded of it when I received a slip from the town council informing me about my last month's arrears and this month's charge. So the reminder had read that I needed to pay last month and this month's charges and a $4 penalty fee. Ok, I thought. I'd almost forgotten about it, so I was actually glad that they had sent me a reminder. After receiving the reminder, I paid the amount online within the next 2 days.

Today, less than five days from the date when I first received that reminder, I find another slip from the Town Council in my mailbox. I've not opened my mailbox in the last couple of days so the Town Council slip had already been there for a couple of days. When I ripped opened that tiny grey slip (which is the size of a pay slip), the slip read:

LETTER OF INTENT

Dear Sir/ Madam

ARREARS OF CONSERVANCY AND SERVICE CHARGES (C/SC) INCLUSIVE OF GST

C/SC in arrears (inclusive of GST) $48.00
Current month C/SC (inclusive of GST) $48.00
Penalty fee b/f from previous months $0.00
Penalty fee imposed $4.00

Total outstanding penalty fee $4
Total amount payable $100

1. We refer to our Notice sent to you earlier, and regret to note that the above conservancy and service charges including penalty for late payment are still outstanding.

2. Our Council prefers not to resort to any unpleasant course of action, but where other attempts fail, legal action is the only alternative available to our Council to recover the arrears. In such event, you will be liable for all legal costs incurred, and penalty fee will continue to be imposed up to the date of full settlement.

3. TAKE NOTICE that unless you pay the said charges and penalty fee within the next 14 days, the Council shall commence legal proceedings against you for the recovery of the said monies and shall hold you responsible for all expenses incurred thereof.

4. If you are making payment by cheque or money order payable to E___ C____ Town Council, you should write your account number on the reverse side. If you are paying by GIRO, kindly ensure that you have sufficient funds in your bank account.

5. We wish to remind you that failure to pay your C/SC constitutes a breach of the Town Councils Act (Cap 329A) Section 39 (7) for which may render you liable on conviction to a fine not exceeding $1,000.00.

6. Please ignore the LETTER OF INTENT if payment has already been made.

Yours faithfully

SECRETARY
E___ C____ Town Council

This is a computer generated notice. No signature is required.

(please note that the Bold lettering and the caps are inherent in the mail message and have been reproduced exactly as they appear in the slip)

After reading this slip I went ballistic! The first thing in my mind was 'Fuck you! Nah Bei chee bye! Fucking government! Fuck you!!!!' (again, pardon my french)

The thing that got me so mad was that the government was actually sending me a letter of intent, threatening to sue me over an amount of $100!!! And this was the first time I was even paying a penalty for last month's arrears! The penalty fee was only $4 and they are threatening to sue me to get back their $100! If the amount was so big and important to them, surely they wouldn't impose a measly $4 penalty fee, would they? I mean, I pay a penalty fee of $40 for any late payment to the credit card company. That is 10 times more than the penalty fee that the Town Council charges. So how important can the money be to them if they tell you that there's only a very small penalty for being late.

And the worst thing was they declared to you the exact law and statute which states that it is actually illegal for anyone to owe the Town Council their conservancy charges! The government actually wrote into law the requirement for you to pay your conservancy charges. Which company do you know has the power to write into law, has the power to mobilise the police and the law to chase their customers for their dues? Which company has the power to do that in this world? How can the government use the law as a tool of commerce? It is outright an abuse of the legal system! Do you know that if you underpay on your bus fare or mrt fare, that you are liable to be charged in court for that specific offense? When the bus company overcharges you for your ride, do they get charged in court for overcharging you? No! You'll be lucky to get your money back if you bother to jump through all the hoops and the paper work to get back your money! The government spends tax payers' money to protect these companies' interest. And who do these companies belong to? The government!

It is one thing to be the government and to have rule of law. But it is quite another thing to use the rule of law as a tool for the business that you just happen to run. Our HDB flats are purchased with our hard-earned money. The town councils run a service for us - flat owners - to upkeep the estate. For this service, we pay them a monthly fee. It is ridiculous and wrong for the government to align the financial interests of the town council with the state and write into law, statutes which protect the financial interest of the town council. We are paying the town council for their services. The operations of the town council like conservancy are profitable endeavours held by contractors who make a profit. They are not volunteer workers working out of the State's pension. When you run arrears with your condo committee, do they have such direct legal recourse to throw you in jail? For one thing, you have paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for your house, do you think you'll ever be brought to court for not paying one hundred dollars? That's peanuts! If you don't get charged in court for missing one month of your mortgage payments, why should you get charged in court for a measly $100?

I shudder to think of the poor folk in Singapore who really have no money to pay their conservancy charges. Do they get charged in court? Be forced to pay out even more money like the town council's legal costs, a $1000 fine and then go to jail when they fail to pay becos they're too poor in the first place? Is that what happens in Singapore? You go to jail for not paying your bills? Is that what the government is here for? Are they really here just to earn your dollars and then throw you in jail when you are too poor to pay? If so, why are we still supporting them? When a company you hire to clean up your estate tries to throw you in jail for not paying them a month's payment, do you still continue to use them for their services? Why would you? If you could, you would immmediately get another company to service your estate, cos you're getting bad service. I mean, the customer is always right, right? Well, in most other consumer goods, you would be able to do just that - exercise your rights as a consumer. In this case, you have no rights. You can't change your town council. YOu can't hire another company to do your cleaning of your estate. In fact, even if they do a bad job, you still have to pay them, cos they have it written into law that it's illegal for you not to. If they do a bad job, is there anything written in law that you can refuse to pay them and get a refund, or get another company to do the job? NO!!! There isn't! Do you think its right that they have the right to sue you but you don't have the right to sue them? How do you stop this from happening to you?

Simple. Vote. Vote for another person to do the job. Put your money where your mouth is. Its the only way to stop yourself getting screwed. Stand up for your consumer rights. Stand up for your rights. Stand up for yourself. Stand up!

Land of Pain Part Deux

2007-04-07T01:44:00.000+08:00

Its the day before Easter and I'm not feeling fine. Well, feeling fine is an understatement. It seems life really is more of a journey than a destination. The process of putting my quarterlife crisis behind me is exactly that - a process. I'm really glad that I've made my film but I'm still feeling like I've not made real progress that is tangible. Sure, if I get knocked down by a bus a hour from now I'll die without regrets but some part of me feels like I should be enjoying what I do for a living - and I don't.

I wish I could sit here and regale you with tales of happiness and joy but the sad fact is this blog was borne out of frustration and the need to express my inner angst. I guess it must be a bitch to keep hearing about me talk out of my ass but I guess with such a small audience I'm not doing too much harm to most people out there (sorry my ol' friends, guess you'll have to tolerate my bitching...again!)

Anyway, things are slowly getting better on planet civil servant. Not that I hate it any less...I guess I'm happy I have an easy job where I can think about what I want to do with my life all day. Sounds a lot like the empty days of NS, no?

I think now that the dream of seeing my name up in lights is slowly fading from my consciousness, I think the next thing I need to do is to find another way to make a living. My new resolve from now on is to look for a business to hang my hat on. I'm finally sick of going around in circles looking for a job when I know deep inside no job can really satisfy me. I think its time to do something scary once again even as I realise that the time has come for me to decide to have a child or forever hold my peace.

The wife and me still love to have a child. Unfortunately, the world is getting warmer... more polar bears are going to die, and world peace is further away today than world destruction is to us all. I used to think that the world will be a better place in the future but for the first time ever, I'm starting to see that the world is definitely going to be a shittier place in the future. Global warming has reached the point where its irreversible in the short term and in the next 80 years its going to get much worse. Car manufacturers and oil producers do not want to let go of the money they're still making on combustion engines. And as long as that continues to happen, you can kiss goodbye to using renewable fuel like electrolysis-fueled hydrogen powered cars. I can promise a better tomorrow to my child and that is the single most thought on my mind when I think about bringing a new life into the world. There seems to be no promise for the future. And that is a very scary thought.

In in the 1970s because of the oil crisis, President Jimmy Carter of the USA legislated for US car manufacturers to increase the fuel efficiency and mileage of US car engines. Within a year, the gas mileage of US cars improved to 18 miles per gallon without any drastic need for technological innovation. Today, American car engines run only 11 miles per gallon and everyone is lapping up that new fangled, gas guzzling MPV. Fuel efficiency of cars has actually regressed in 20 years! Oil merchants and car manufacturers will earn so much more selling you 20-year old outmoded combustion engines in their cars simply because there is no developing cost at all to them. This way, they can keep selling you cars at more profit, without a need for R&D for centuries to come if they can get away with it.

As consumers and human citizens, the only way we can affect today's world is by making a statement with our wallets. Refuse to buy a car as long as its fuel guzzling. Its not much but one car less in this world is one less carbon producing machine. If you don't buy, they can't make money. Make them earn their buck. Insist on a better product.

Decades ago, manufacturers got away with cars with no seat belts and safety features. Through the efforts of Ralph Nader, we now have crumple zones, air-bags, breakaway engines, side-impact beams, collapsible steering columns and seat-belts. That's just the effort of one man's crusade. Do something now for yourself and the world you live in. Don't keep pouring your hard-earned money into the government's coffers or the pockets of soul-less oil producers and greedy car makers.

The production of oil is concentrated in the hands of only a few countries and companies in this world. These people control virtually the economies of the whole world. A decision from them to raise oil prices can send ripples across world economies. Think for a minute. Why would any one of them be motivated to do research to look for an alternative to oil? They hold the world ransom with oil. If they could help it, they want you to always need oil. ALWAYS!

There are alternative fuels. All this talk about hydrogen being the new green fuel of the future. How hydrogen is the cleanest and most abundant fuel there is. All this is true. But there is a deception in the argument that the Oil manufacturers and Car manufacturers are not telling you about. This is buried in the way the hydrogen is derived. What oil and car companies are not telling you is that the hydrogen in the fuel cell that they are so actively advocating is derived from hydrocarbons. That's right. The hydrogen fuel cell they are manufacturing derives the hydrogen from oil. By deriving hydrogen from hydrocarbons, you are still releasing carbon dioxide into the air and are just transferring the carbon footprint of your car to the fuel cell manufacturing stage. The oil companies get to still make their money from oil and still get to tell you they are being green. The fact is this 'green' solution is not a solution. It is fool's gold.

Everyone knows that water is made up of hydrogen and oxygen. Why is that we can't produce hydrogen from electrolysis? Well, we can. And it has been done for centuries. The thing is, no oil company can profit from such an invention. Using water as a 'fuel' would give too much power to the people. Imagine all the useless salty water in the oceans just waiting to be used as fuel. What would happen if this was made possible? It would be unimaginable. Oil companies would go bankrupt and countries like Singapore would lose a huge chunk of their economy. Oil refineries would close down. There would be massive shifts in global economies. Third world nations would be richer. That would be bad news for a lot of companies ripping off these countries.

No government would be crazy enough to put their money and attention behind any such research to the process of commercialising a feasible form of electrolysis. Imagine a solar powered electrolysis power station using Sun power to power the electrolysis process, producing oxygen and hydrogen out of the sun's power. Is it impossible? No. But the powers that be will tell you that its not economically feasible. Too much money will be needed to make this true. True, but whose money is it and if its not economically feasible, who is not feasible for? In layman's speak, they are telling you that they can't make money out of that process.

The thing is all money that they earn comes from you and me. They are talking about not earning money when its not true that they will not make any. They'll just make less. They won't enjoy the stranglehold and power over the world economy that they enjoy now. And they're not too willing to give up that power. They would rather you get your hydrogen from oil. That way you'll still need oil and they'll still enjoy their oligopoly.

Check the net for water powered cars. Check the net for Nikola Tesla, the man who invented AC electricity and the Tesla coil among other things. He invented a car called the Electric Pierce Arrow back in 1930, where the ICE engine was replaced with an Electric Motor. The power source was a black box of radio tubes, in the glove compartment. The box had an antenna sticking out. The car was run by electricity wirelessly transmitted to the car from a power coil at his farm. Tesla discovered the power of electro-magnetism and was on the brink of introducing to the world a way of transmitting electricity wirelessly through the air without the use of wires. Sadly his funding by Westinghouse was taken away and he died a bankrupt. Much of his research and notes were taken by the American government even though he was not American.

Tesla is just one of the prime examples of ingenious men who have had their inventions taken away because they threatened the business of big companies. Even today monopolistic software giants buy up small companies whose innovations threaten their monopolies. Progress is often halted in the name of commerce. I remember in 1983, back when the Asia magazine still existed, a Japanese man invented a car which ran on water using electrolysis to power the engine through the production of hydrogen. Fast forward 20 years, and we have similar cars being invented but the hydrogen fuel cell is not powered by the electrolysis process but by hydrocarbons. Guess who benefits from that?

All of this crap in the world coupled by the fact that I live on a rock ruled by an iron fist dictator just means that live is a little grimmer in my little house. I do not know whether I can change the world but I have resolved to try and if I can make just a little difference in this world in my little way, I think I will be that much happier, even if I do tend to bitch a lot. :)

Update: Check out this video on water based hydrogen power http://www.veoh.com/videos/e1006553Tkg6qjE?searchId=7505729138394343234&rank=12

Isa is Muslim. His Jewish name is Jesus.

2007-02-01T17:07:00.000+08:00

Must be very free... too free... so free that I have time for this little nugget. Anyhoo, for those of you out there who don't know, muslims, jews and Christians all came from the middle-east and for millennia before Jesus showed up, most of them believed in the same God. As such, there are parts of the Qu'ran (Koran) which capture the same historical events and historical figures as those which happen in the bible and the torah. Basically old testament stuff up until Jesus appears, in fact, a lot of what Jesus went through which was chronicled in the bible is also in the Qu'ran (Koran). Even some parts of how Jesus will appear in Revelations are also captured in the Qu'ran.

The difference, however, is that different accounts of the same facts often get misquoted when they are passed from person to person and era to era. Every person in this world brings with them their own opinion and view of the world. Politicians will have very interpretations of world events and holy dictums as do sons who have been slighted by their father vs sons who were favoured. If a bunch of humans live in the same area and something big happened, all of them will have different recollections of the same events. And they'll have different personal reasons to remember things in different ways. Abraham had two sons, one was Isaac whom he favoured and another was Ismael, his other son from another wife - a moslem wife. History in the bible has it that Ismael departed from Abraham and his family and the resulting difference is why we have differences between muslims and Jews. Nobody can say for certain what happened but imagine a father having two wives. One wife of his race, and another of a different race. And each wife had a son. Imagine the father being forced to choose who his favourite son was. Can you imagine what the other son, the one who's not chosen as favourite, will feel like when he finds out? What will this son tell his descendants about his father's and other brother's race? Will there be prejudice? This is what troubles Muslims and Jews today. Just two families having an age-old fight.

Anyhow, for those of you who are curious, below is a list of the Muslim equivalents (who appear in the Qu'ran) of Jewish prophets and historical figures found in the bible.

Ibrahim (Abraham), ‘Ishaq (Issac), Yaqub (Jacob), Nuh (Noah), Dawud (David), Sulaiman (Solomon), Ayyub (Job), Yusuf (Joseph), Musa (Moses), Harun (Aaron), Zakariyya (Zachariah), Yahya (John the Baptist), ‘Isa (Jesus), Ilyas, Ishmael, Al-Yash’a (Elisha), Yunus (Jonah) and Lut (Lot).

As you can see, Jesus appears in the Qu'ran as well. In the Qu'ran, He's known as Isa. His tale of birth is the same. Virgin birth. He is written in the Qu'ran as being able to speak even as a very young boy. His miracles are all written in the Qu'ran, as are His twelve disciples. He is also known as Messiah in the Qu'ran and the Qu'ran says that He is the Messiah who will bring judgement to all on the Apocalypse - Judgement Day. The difference is that in the Qu'ran, the Muslims do not acknowledge him as the son of God.They do not say He was crucified nor do they say He was resurrected. But they acknowledge him as a prophet, one who is important in the end days when He returns. One who will rule for 40 years as God's proxy.

The important thing to note about all this is not that there are differences between the bible and the Qu'ran. The curious thing to note is that there are so many similiarities between the two books. Both books chronicle the same stories, the same histories which occurred in the region. Even if you don't believe in God as a Christian or a Muslim, logic dictates that if so many people in the region saw and chronicled the same people being alive and existent, the people who are mentioned must have existed as real people, historical figures. The fact that so much details exists must make you curious that somewhere between all the faiths in the middle-east might lie some semblance of the truth we all seek. The fact that there is corroboration to be found is reason to believe that truth can be ascertained from the study of these documents. Combine these books with the philosophical theories/truths of the East and we might just find a way to the truth. The truth about who we are and what we should do to get to where we should go to.

Going by scientific theory, no energy ever disappears. It just becomes another form of energy. By that reasoning, if a person or an animal dies, his/her lifeforce is transformed into another form of energy. The task we have when we are alive and conscious is to try and transform our own internal life energy into a positive energy, one which will go to a place inhabited by positive energy and not negative energy. Finding a way to actually cultivate this energy within us is the big mystery that all of us must solve or we will find ourselves trapped in a negative energy vortex when our physical existence is over.

It Sucks To Be Me

2007-02-01T16:55:00.000+08:00

More griping? I don't know. I do know that I'm skivving like crazy right now cos I really have nothing to do. Or rather, I don't want to do anything right now. And no, I'm not at home. I'm at the office, sitting at my desk writing this drivel. Slack. Most definitely. Brain rotting away...maybe.. but for the moment, I hope someone's listening to all this drivel I'm typing up.

More bad news on the newspapers. Government wants to give you money through workfare but they want you to put in money into your medisave before they give you. Makes you wonder why they give right? You're actually only exchanging your money for theirs. So why bother? Fun is it?

Anyhow, nothing's boiling on the pot. I've sent in my film to the Singapore Film Festival. I got rejected by Berlin Film Fest. And on that rejection, I applied for even more festivals. As of now, I've submitted to the New York Asian American Film Festival and the Los Angeles Film Festival. Then I stumbled upon the Singapore Film Commission website. And I discovered that the SFC is actually offering to submit to Cannes free of charge for all Singapore filmmakers. So I did the only decent thing and submitted my film to them too. Hey, there aren't too many times the Singapore government gives away money for free. I didn't have to pay for FedEx and the 100Euro submission fee. That's a saving of at least a hundred dollars. So that's good for me.

Been asking the wife that we should probably go look for a church to go to. Cos things as it is, you never know when you might catch a flu bug and go knocking on doors that are not meant to be opened yet. Only thing is, I'm one of those fools who believe that most Christians are going to church on the wrong day. What? What are you saying? I'm saying that Sunday is not the Sabbath. Saturday is. The actual Sabbath is on a Saturday. Christians used to go to church on a Saturday. The Jews do. And the last time I checked, the Jews were still religious and the calendar hasn't changed. So why do Christians go to church on a Sunday? Well, Sunday is the Sabbath, right? Well, no, actually. See, the bible says that God made the world in six days and on the seventh day, he rested. So God named this day the Sabbath and He declared the Sabbath to be the end of the work week and all are to keep this day holy, to honour him and to keep this day as a rest day. So that's how the work week was defined into seven days with the last day of the week being a rest day and the Sabbath. All around the world, it is acknowledged that Sunday is the first day of the week. That's why the columns on your calendar always start with Sunday first. So if Sabbath is supposed to be the last day of the week, it should be Saturday right? Well, it is. Or at least the Jewish know it to be. They go to the temple on Saturday.

Now, before you go dismissing this line of argument, allow me to give you one more proof that the Sabbath is on a Saturday. Now, most people know that Dec 25th is not really the birth date of Jesus Christ. Nobody really knows which day he was born but with the winter solistice being a big pagan holiday, Jesus Christ's birthday was amended to be on that day for convenience. But the thing we do know is the day that Jesus died. We know he died on a Good Friday and rose again two days later on a Easter Sunday. That's written historically on Roman logs and Greek text and what not. But the thing is, Easter Sunday and Good Friday are correct dates of Jesus' death and resurrection. And the thing is, it is written in the bible that on the day after the Sabbath, Jesus was resurrected. Now, since we know that He rose again on a Sunday, then the Sabbath must be a Saturday, cos it is written that one day after he died was the Sabbath and a day after that He was resurrected. So since we know He died on Good Friday, the Sabbath is definitely Saturday.

That coupled with the fact that the Jews have never altered the day they worship - the day of the Sabbath - means one thing. Almost all the Christians in this world are not going to church on the Sabbath. Instead, they are going to church on a Sunday. Now how did this come about? There must be something wrong here, right? How can so many people be wrong?

Well, the common answer if you ask your pastor in your church is that a long time ago the Christian priests and scholars calculated the stars and charts again and found that there was a mistake, that the Sabbath actually should be on a Sunday. Then there are other people who tell you they go to church on a Sunday cos that's the day Jesus was resurrected. Well, here's what is in the history books. Have any of you watched The DaVinci Code? Well, if you have, then you will know that Emperor Constantine was the Roman emperor who was chiefly responsible for converting the roman empire to a Christian one. Constantine was a Christian and the first emperor of the Roman empire who was a Christian. But the thing is, he ruled over an empire which was largely Pagan. And in this empire, most people worshipped the Sun.

There was a civil war across the Roman Empire between the rising Christians and the Pagans, and Constantine, in order to hold on to his empire, held talks with the Pope, and all the theologers and Christian Scientists in his empire. Now, this being medieval times, the Pope was a very powerful political figure. His seat of power was on par with the roman emperor as he enjoyed massive support throughout Europe. If you see the film the DaVinci Code, you remember the part where they mentioned Constantine held a very important meeting with these priests and theologers in which he decided which gospel was to be compiled into a standard bible. This part of the film story is true and historical. In order to bring peace to his kingdom, Constantine, decided to compile the standard bible and most importantly, make sure that all his citizens worship on the same day and keep the same holy rest day. So what he did was he shifted the Christian Sabbath one day to coincide with the Pagan worship day. And since the Pagans worshipped the Sun, this worship day was Sunday. And that is how Christians from the Constantine era onwards came to study a standard collection of gospels collected into a bible and worshipped together on a Sunday. Of course, it helped that Jesus was resurrected on a Sunday which provided a symmetry with the new worship day.

And that is why pastors all over world will tell you that theologists and ancient priests made calculations and 'found out' that the Sabbath was actually on a Sunday. Its the only way that the Christians would've accepted the change of the Sabbath. With this change, the entire Roman empire now rested on the same day and Christians no longer clashed with Pagans who used to desecreate their holy day by not giving them rest on that day. Peace was restored to the empire and with time, Catholicism and Christianity became the dominant religion of Europe.

The thing is most churches all around the world worship on a Sunday. Some churches like the Seventh Day Adventist and some Charismatic and Pentacostal churches have Saturday services. Most old orthodox churches like Methodist churches only have Sunday services, weddings are held on Saturdays. I was trying to find a church that had a Saturday service but I just can't bring myself to go to a Charismatic church and nobody knows what Seventh Day Adventists believe in. So I'm a bit torn. My wife wants to go to a methodist church. Me thinks I will probably go to church on a Sunday but also keep the Saturday as a holy day at home where I'll thump through the bible. Nobody said you can't keep Sabbath holy in your own way at home. So I guess that's probably what I'll do.

Peace, out.

The Mayor of Angst City...

2006-12-27T15:32:00.000+08:00

That's my new name. Or so that's how I come across to most people nowadays. I met two of my colleague's friends a while back and that's how they describe me - very angsty, full of angst. Which in Singapore speak means I very frus most of the time lor.

Today's one of those shitty days again. I swear, if I have a penny for every stupid, incompetent, skivving boss that I meet, I'd be a millionaire by now. I'd spare you the details of this particular tirade. Sigh.

You know what makes this world a strange place? Its us. Humans. We are the worst thing to have happened to this planet we're on. Exotic animals roaming free, green grass, ice snowscapes, clear oceans and what do we do? We dig into the ground for dead fossils then spend the next 100 years trying to burn all these fossils so we can fuel our stupid money making industrial complexes. Scientists say the summer Arctic snowcaps will permanently disappear in 30 years time. That would bring about the extinction of polar bears and God knows how much more wildlife. I feel sickened when I think about that. (Beary, snowy, I'm sorry your mum and I couldn't preserve your hometown.)

But I digress. Nope, the mayor of Angst City doesn't get his mandate just from ecological injustice. Its the small stuff that really gets my goat. I know I should be more Zen like and just be happier. But folks, there wouldn't be this blog you're reading if I was so god damn happy, now would it? So for all those folks out there who think I've been a pain in the ass with all my angst, I have this message for you, "Please kindly fuck off and don't visit this blog anymore. Really. Nobody's forcing you to listen. Go live your life and I'll live mine. Without you." I do apologise to you, the rest of my friends, to have to hear such vitriol from me. God knows I hate having angry feelings. It literally makes me ill. But folks who know me, and who've read my earlier blog (July 6th, 2005 entry, "Pidgeonhole me, please..") will know that I hate people who pidgeon-hole me. My response to being pidgeon-holed is to be what you want me to be. If you want so badly to think of me that way, who am I to stop you from having your own opinion? You can safely go about having your opinion. You're perfectly entitled to it and I'm perfectly fine with it. You'll just not be privy to the real me anymore. If all you want is your idea of me, then just for you, I'll be exactly who you think I am. That way you get what you want and I don't have to waste time convincing you otherwise.

Some people think I'll always be this worry wart and that I'll never be satisfied. It doesn't matter what they think. I'm just really lucky that my wife knows me very well and she shares my bliss. I'm really grateful to God for you Boo. You are my rock. When nobody in this world gets me, you do. I love you. As long as you can share my happiness, I don't care if the rest of this world thinks I'm a sauerkraut. We'll be as happy as two peas in a pod.

Back To Earth

2006-12-08T10:15:00.000+08:00

Its been a long time since I updated my blog. Seems I still only update my blog only when major events rock my world. Still haven't quite completed the second chapter of the world according to Ah Siong but I promise, it'll come, eventually... ha! Just returned from reservist training. Super long exercise involving virtually the whole nation. The good news is that I'm finally back to civilisation. The bad news is that I'm back at work (yes I hate work more than I hate NS now! That's world changing news to those of you who know how much I hate NS!) and that I still have six more years of NS before I can give the government the finger.

Then, there's the other big news bomb. I got an email from Sundance. And of course, they rejected me. I was excited for a full ten seconds. But then when I read the first words, "Thank you", I knew it was bad. A nicely written reject letter no doubt - one that I'll keep as prove of my little failed attempt at participation - but I'm sure it was a routine automated email they send everybody. So, right now I'm no different from thousands of other losers who have similar emails. They can all claim to have just missed the bar so I guess this means my entry is only as good as the worst piece of thrash that got rejected. Gotta get myself into another festival. Yup. Still have Berlin and Santa Barbara who haven't replied. So there's still hope in the world. Barely.

Anyway, that's the big news in my part of the world. I was actually dreaming of being selected by Sundance, making plans to go to the States for one last hurrah before using up all my cash and being dirt poor again but I guess that's all gone to the gutters. Still, can't blame a guy for dreaming. The plan was to wait for reservist to end, for the Sundance announcement to be out before I could free myself of upcoming committments for the next phase - get a new job. Yup, without these two things to think about, I'm now looking for a new job. Don't know what I can land but I know being at Temasek Polytechnic is a temporay cash measure and not a place to stay. However, some part of me can't help but acknowledge that the job duties at TP is unimaginably light! I'm technically only supposed to write two magazines a year! A year! Of course, I'll likely be shovelling shit for the next few months doing mundane things to justify my pay. Actually, the main aim of getting a new job is to make more money cos TP falls way short of how much I used to get at Starhub. Giving up five months of bonus a year does tend to dent your wallet a bit.

So now, I'm back at the crossroads. What do I do for a living now? God knows I'm sick of print. I'll still give Premiere magazine a go if they'll ever hire me. I'll love to be at HBO or Discovery. But more than anything else, I still long to write a script that I am truly proud of and love. That magical story that'll make everyone go wow! Not just a personal, budget conscious story but a story with no regard for budget. One that I can't produce myself. I think that might make the writer in me happy again although, a story that I can't produce myself might not ever see the light of day. Unless it gets discovered in a script contest or by hollywood.

The sad thing to all this is that I'm facing the same choice I did more than a year ago when I first quit my job. I still need to find a way to accumulate assets instead of slaving away at a mindless job. The difference is that I now know what I love to do and what I'm capable of. The downside is that what I love to do is very expensive and has a high barrier of entry to anyone who isn't already famous. The good thing from all this? I've found my centre. I know who I am now and I have proof of my journey. I know that even if I drop dead tomorrow, the world will still have proof of Terence Koh the filmmaker. And I've got a story now to hang my hat on when my grandchildren ask me what big adventures I've been on. Now I just have to make sure that I get to have grandchildren. But that's a whole different story. Peace. Out.

The Transport has landed

2006-10-01T12:53:00.000+08:00

Friends, romans, countrymen, lend me your ears... The only good piece of news I've had this past week is that the transport has indeed landed! In other words, my colour code is now officially turned dark green, which means that my film has been received by the folks at Sundance!! That comes as a huge relief for me as the long wait for the acknowlegement from Sundance has been turning me batty! Now, my anxiety takes on another form. Now I worry about whether my film will be accepted into Sundance. And that is the mother of all worries.

Related to all this of course is the fact that I realised that, really, I am an amateur. Being a first time filmmaker, I know next to nothing about 'conforming' your film, the complexities of colour correction, colour grading, upconverting to HD and the like. It was not until I had asked my intern at TP (who's a poly grad in video production) that I realised that there are a lot of students out there already who have their short films colour corrected by the experts. I was aware earlier of post porduction houses doing colour correction but I was unaware that the colour correction abilities of Final Cut Pro are low resolution at best and should not be counted upon when you are submitting your film to a film festival. Although I knew colour correction would be expensive, I hadn't actually confronted the figures until my intern introduced me to the good folk at Blackmagic Design, who actually laughed at my face when they heard of the budget I had. They actually ask for $3800 a day for usage of their facility. I told them I had a budget of $2000 in all. But I had until december to finish it. Thankfully, the person I spoke to, Dixie, agreed to help me, after of course, chuckling at my microscopic budget. I also thoroughly exposed my ignorance when she asked me whether I had conformed, whether I had effects laden shots and everything. It was then that I knew that I am an amateur. Not that I didn't know before. But to have someone illuminate it to you that you are an amateur is truly a humbling experience.

I had gone about everything in a gung-ho manner so far, as I knew that the slightest hint of a doubt from me would have sunk my self-belief and my desire to complete the film. Being the practical guy that I was, if I had thoroughly examined how much I knew and how stacked the odds were against me, the practical Chinese man in me would've simply dismissed the idea of making a film long ago. Thankfully (or is it unfortunately?) my foolhardy nature egged me on and I've managed to hobble together something which I can submit. Although the film is technically very amateurish, my hope is that the powers that be will overlook my lack of skills, and see the story (not much of a story also i think) and the potential in my script, to give me chance at the brass ring.

I have long since told everyone that this film is for my personal fulfillment above all. That is entirely true. But being a Libran, I am also very ambitious and am prone to delusions of grandeur. Secretly in my heart, I wish for this film to be picked up by a distributor so I can pay off my mortgage and stop being a slave for the bank. Although this wish might not come true, the wishful thinking kid in me still clings on to the hope that I can make it. And that is one of the reasons why I love the motto that Steve Jobs told the graduating students of Stanford a while back. He said, "Stay hungry, stay foolish." For a person who has accomplished so much, Steve Jobs' belief in this motto tells us that once upon a time, he was like one of us - just a ordinary man who was hungry enough and foolish enough to try and reach for things which were way beyond his reach. And it was because he was hungry enough to ask for so much, to aim for the stars and that he was foolish enough to think that he could actually make it that ultimately propelled him to the success he has today. When I think about how foolish I have been in making this film and how foolish I am still in peddling it around with no money, I keep Steve Jobs firmly in mind, knowing that some 30 years ago, a similarly foolish man was peddling homemade computers made out of his garage and he had succeeded despite naming his computer after a fruit. I hope that this foolishness gets me somewhere. But most importantly, I hope. :)

Help! Somebody Shot Ah Siong!

2006-09-27T02:43:00.001+08:00

So the title is a bit out there - and exaggerated. I didn't get shot. I got arrowed plenty. But that's the boring office shit which I shall spare you till later. No, the title refers to yet another delayed blogcast of "The World According To Ah Siong". Yup. No Mystery Sects again. Now, now, I know what you're thinking, I'm procrastinating again...or maybe I don't have anything... But I assure you, there is plenty to write about and I do have about more than two A4 size worth of material just sitting there in my harddisk at work, but the thing is, more pressing matters abound in the Kingdom of Ah Siong. I've just got to get this off of my chest or I'll start to blow my brains out, bit by bit. Cos you see, I'm having one of those Libran panic attacks again. You know, those paranoia and depression filled types.

About a week has past since I sent out my film via Fed-Ex to Sundance, and as of now at 1.36am in the morning, my olive green spot has still not turned dark green yet. No, I'm not talking about that ripening olive in your martini. It's my Sundance entry. They haven't acknowledged the receipt of my film, hence the status of my application has not turned from a "ready to send olive green" to a "yes, we've received it dark green" on the Sundance Film Fest website. Stricken by panic, I check my email to see if Sundance replied and I checked the FAQs again on their website. That's when I started to lose my mind a little. Seems there's this little section in the FAQ where they answer the question "Will you notify me if you haven't received my film entry?". And their answer? No. They don't send you any reply to tell you if they've received your film. So I won't be getting any email reply from Sundance about whether they've received my film or not. And to add insult to injury, they actually also wrote that the best way to ensure that they receive my entry is to include a self-addressed envelope/postcard with postage attached so that they can write back and tell me that they've received my package. And of course, being the unlucky bastard that I am, I managed to not notice this section of the FAQ and thus did not include any self-addressed postcard of any sort. So I'm fucked. Now all I have to go on is to hope that that little olive green spot in their website turns to dark green so I'll know if they've received my film or not. That stoopid little green dot now determines my fate. That little miserable olive green dot now determines if I've pissed away one year of my life for nothing.

The depressing thing is, its one week today and their instructions say clearly to allow them a week to process the entry. As you can tell by now, I've now totally lost all sense of reasoning and have turned into a babbling, blogging fool. I can't help thinking if I've done something wrong. Did I write the address properly? Did I write the correct film ID number? There's no way of knowing now. This thing is now going to eat at me till I find out for sure if I've fucked myself through my own carelessness or if I've just been subjecting myself to the kind of senseless paranoid mental torture I always put myself through when I discover I've made a stupid mistake that I can't undo.

Things have gone terribly pear shaped these past few days. First off, I find out that one of my colleagues at my macjob at TP quit. She left within five days of me knowing that she's quitting. And I was the last one in the office to know. But that's not what got my goat. Cos its not that she's a good friend or anything. In fact its the opposite. I actually don't know her well enough to even have any knowledge of her. But I digress. See, the thing that got me bent out of shape was that I inherited some of her job duties. Yup. That's all I was hoping for. More civil service jobs to do. Yay!

Now, what job was it that I inherited? Well, I've actually now responsible for answering all emails (complaints, enquiries etc.) addressed to the Corp. Comm Department of TP. Yup. The job is not nuclear science but the thing I hate about it is, first off, its a customer service job. I've to respond to all these complaints in a 'nice' way. That's actually the easy part. The sick thing is there are strict rules to follow as TP being an ISO (international Standards) licensed institution, will be audited. Meaning there can be no mistakes in answering the emails. No emails must go unanswered. All emails within the day. And so on. But still, that's not why I'm pissed at getting this thing. No. Its the fact that I've done this before that gets my goat. See, I used to handle shit like this at Starhub. Ensuring an error free programme schedule. Prompt answering of complaints, etc. And Starhub was much much tougher shit. So why the fuss, you wonder? See, being in charge of all this type of ISO shit again just sends me to a bad place. Cos that was part of the reason why I think I got thyroid at Starhub ...cos of all the stress. And this stupid job was supposed to be easy. Now on top of me hating the reporting part of the job, hating the very fact of being there, I now feel I've inherited more of the same type of meaningless shit I swore I never wanted to be part of any longer when I left Starhub. That kind of inane GIC, civil service bullshit which means absolutely squat in the rest of the industrialised world.

But that's still not what tipped me over the scale. See, to top it all off, I'd forgotten that my boss had said a while back that I would inherit some ISO portfolio from someone else. That's what got my goat. Cos now, on top of writing for the school, I got to do more ISO shit like answering all emails addressed to Corp Comm and this new ISO 400 portfolio. Now don't get me wrong. I don't mind being given extra duties while I'm working at my job. But I do mind being given work that has little to do with what I was hired for. I don't mind being given extra stuff in my area of expertise which I was hired for. But getting meaningless shit which I didn't sign up for, and then being told that the well-being of the entire organisation depends on these extra meaningless shitty new duties is beyond the call of my duty. I mean, I didn't even apply for the freaking job.
Of course, I wouldn't be freaking out now I knew someone in America is looking at my film, wondering if they should select me for their film festival. But then I had to find out that my film might not even be seen if it got lost in the mail or something. That just freaks me out big time. That totally rips the floor from under me. Not seeing that tiny dark green spot totally freaks me out. I feel like I'm just jumped off the precipice of a high mountain with a parachute on my back. And I've been handed a letter telling me that my parachute was packed by an obsessive ex-boyfriend of my wife.

And to top it all off. I now have to start to writing the next issue of the magazine for TP. Yup, the whole process of writing and interviewing people will start again. And this issue is 20pages thicker cos its supposed to be a bumper issue. And now more than ever, a shadow of doubt has crept in. If my film is not at Sundance, does that mean I have to stay here beyond january? Should I get another job now? What if I have to take leave to go to Sundance in January if I get selected? Did I get selected cos I don't even know if my film was received? Doubts, uncertainty, paranoia. Funny how fast you can fall from the fantasy of a dream to a total nightmare of your existence. I do hope I'm just being paranoid. Cos God knows I need my film not to be lost but to be in the safe hands of Sundance. I really do. My sanity depends on it.

We Interrupt Our Regular Programming To Bring You This Emergency Transmission

2006-09-20T14:52:00.000+08:00

Sorry folks, we interrupt your irregular supply of "The World According To Ah Siong" to bring you this newsflash from the world of Ah Siong.......- the transport carrying the film is safely away. Repeat, the transport is safely away. Yes. Just in case you were still lost in my 'Empire' doublespeak, I have officially submitted my film to the Sundance Film Festival.

As of September 19th 9.21am Californian time, my film was signed for by a person named N Griffieth, whom I can only assume to be an employee of Sundance Institute on Wilshire Boulevard, Beverly Hills. The padded envelope that I so preciously packed with my Sundance entry form printout and a DVD of the rough cut of my film "25 To Life" is now in Beverly Hills 90211 (yes just 1 number away from that famous TV Series area code). This has been a long time coming, and barring that particular employee throwing away my envelope in disgust or using it as a freesbie for her dog, my film will be viewed by Robert Redford's 'people' and hopefully passed fit for viewing in the Sundance Film Festival.

I actually tracked my package on Fed-Ex and ascertained its arrival. Even though some idiot at Fed Ex read my handwriting wrongly and actually thought Lusangfles was a place in California, the package did arrive safely in Los Angeles. However, there was a slight hiccup which I think will resolve itself, hopefully. The Sundance website actually has a colour code indicator next to your online entry for the Sundance Film Festival. The three colours are Red - when you haven't completed your submission properly, Olive Green - when you've completed all required info and are ready to submit your film and Dark Green - when they've received your film and they actually have their hands on it.

So needless to say, I immediately went and checked my colour coding the moment my package was delivered. Result? No change in the colours. My submission still read Olive Green - you are ready to submit your film. "So what the fuck?! Who the hell is this N. Griffieth and what the hell did he/she do to my film?" I wondered to myself. More like shouted to myself (in my mind, of course) actually. I felt like I was being mindfucked by Fed-EX. Why the hell didn't they just let me clarify that weird handwriting?

Then of course, I had to go back and check the Sundance website again. A few times more. And then a bit more. Then, I wrote an email to the powers at be at Sundance Film Festival, telling them what my film ID was, who received my package (a certain N Griffieth) and that my colour coding was still Olive Green. Then, I went and checked the website one last time and then it hit me. Written along the lines in the legend explaining the Dark Green coding were the words "please give us a week to go through your paper work upon submission". I don't know if those words mean that the colour coding won't be changed for a week or anything like that but with my email and that sentence, I'm beginning to feel a bit better that Fed-Ex didn't just piss the last year of my life down some dark alley in Los Angeles, California.

So with my mind calmed down a tad, I suddenly feel more at peace with the world. Its as if some load has been lifted from my shoulders. The film is now in the hands of the people I made the film for. Now all it takes is for them to say yes and I would have succeeded in this little venture of mine. The journey is almost at an end. I think that certainly has had a calming effect on me. Last night, I had the best sleep of my life in recent months. I felt sleepy at 8.45pm and went to have a snooze. Didn't wake up until 7.30am this morning. Although I still feel I haven't recovered all the lost hours of sleep this past few weeks, part of me is now more rested.

I now have a very subtle feeling that this Christmas will feel like the Christmases of old. Full of joy, shopping and happiness. Sorta like those what I call "wonderful world of Disney" Christmases I used to have in the late seventies and early eighties when you'll see early morning cartoons and features on Wonderful World of Disney and feel that all in the world is fine. This feeling makes me more hopeful that come the first week of December I'll hopefully get a positive response from Sundance and finally make my way to the high mountains of Utah and participate in my film festival. However, even if that doesn't pan out, I'm still happy that at least I'll be able to start submitting my film to festivals worldwide and start awaiting good news rather than continue toiling through post production.

I think this must be what they say "turning a corner". And what a long corner it has been. About a more than year's worth of time to turn this corner. From quitting my job at Starhub in June 2005 to September 2006.

Time has flew by. Before I started on this journey, I told myself I want to make a film before I turned 30. A Week from today, I'll turn 31 and not a moment too soon. With a week to spare, I think I've finally achieved my goal. I've finally made my film. And now, people are going to see it. I hope these people support my movie so that more people can see it. I hope everyone who is in their little quarterlife crisis see it and know that they are not alone. I hope Generation Xers out there watch it and take solace in my movie the way all of us Generation Xers dug 'Reality Bites'. And although my film won't make 'My Sharona' big again, I hope that it will tell people everywhere that Terence Koh is a filmmaker. That in itself would be the best present for me I think.

BlogSport - "The World According to Ah Siong"

2006-08-18T14:38:00.000+08:00

The missus and some of my friends (actually one friend only heh..heh..) have been complaining of my lack of activity on the blogging front. The common complaint being "How come so little blogs? You never update one!" I smile when I hear that. Thing is, I've always thought that I should write something only when I have something to say. And truth is, there are just a lot of days when I don't have anything to say. Its the important stuff that merits writing down, I always tell myself. Cos I don't think I'm the sort who just like to commit verbal diarrhea (drats, still haven't figured our how to spell that word!) on your keyboard. I figured, who the hell wants to know about every single freakin' boring detail of your stupidly mundane life? I mean, really!

Then I remember that Kevin Smith's stream of consciousness blog does have its appeal. So that was when I thought, "Ok, let's try some of that today." And of course that is what this one is supposed to be about. Well... At least that was what I was thinking of doing about one minute ago. But I'm a Libran and I change my mind. A lot. So instead of this being just pure drivel of me pouring grouses out of my stoopid noggin, I'm going to risk imprisonment and global ridicule to bring all of you regular insights into "The World According To Ah Siong". Yup. One conspiracy theory a day keeps the lithium away. Trust me. If some of this doesn't flip you over like a pancake, I'm not doing it right.

Let's start with the a throwaway email theory - you know, the one about the KFC chickens. Word around the net is that KFC is now so named because they are no longer serving normal chicken in the full sense of the word. Instead, what they are serving is genetically manipulated chicken with no feathers, big breasts and wings. Nasty pictures of these chickens have been circulating the globe for the past few years already. And yes, the pics do look mighty real to me. So, the theory is that KFC can no longer be called Kentucky Fried Chicken because they are no longer serving "chicken", hence the acronym, KFC. And no where in the names of their items does the word chicken appear. Its called the 3-piece meal or the 3-piece plate. Its Zinger, the O-R Original Recipe Fillet burger. NO chicken.

Thing is. There's no way to tell if this shit's real or not. My personal gut feel is that if it sounds grubby and underhandedly capitalist, I tend to believe it. But hey, that's me. But that's not the point I want to make today. Nope. There are in fact other more credible reasons why you shouldn't eat KFC food, chicken or no chicken. See, a couple of years ago, there was a thing called the Tyson Chicken Scare. Now, the Tyson chicken scare is a true thing. It was reported worldwide and on Singapore news that Tyson chicken had contaminated chicken which it had shipped out to all parts of the world, and the chicken had caused some people to fall sick upon consumption. So our faithful Singapore newsman went down to KFC's leading outlet to conduct an interview with Singapore's leading fast food fried chicken restaurant - to ask if they were indeed affected too.

Now, KFC being an American brand, of course, uses Tyson Chicken in their products. That's why the newsman went down for the interview. But when quizzed about the chicken that KFC was using, this was what they said. "KFC is not affected by the Tyson Chicken Scare cos the chicken we use is kept in storage for at least 6 months. So the chickens we use are not affected by it."

I swear, when I saw that news report on TV, I almost fell off my seat. KFC serves 6month old chicken to customers all over the world! Chicken that's been dead for at least 6 months! KFC serves customers chicken which have been dead for six months. Have you ever wondered why sometimes KFC chicken bones seem to be not quite as hard as your mum's chicken? You know, you take a bite out of a drumstick bone and it sorta gives like its been taken out of a tin can, softened by the liquid in the can. Well, I think the reason's cos frozen chicken that's thawed out after six months can't be exactly the same as fresh chicken. The other thing is, have your ever smelt your fingers after eating KFC chicken? Try it. It stinks! When you smell your fingers right after you handle the bone of a KFC drumstick, there's this stale stinky smell of unfresh chicken. And the flesh underneath those deep fried skins doesn't have much springiness that fresh chicken has. It feels soft.

Now if that's not enough to put you off, remember that most fast food restaurants use hydrogenated vegetable oil, or shortening as they call it, for their frying oil. Hydrogenated oil is solid at room temperature and has a very high boiling point so the oil doesn't break down as easily. Which enables the restaurant to reuse the oil for far longer than normal oil. The bad thing about this is that it contains transfat. Trans fat is a type of fat which not only contains bad cholesterol, it also reduces your good cholesterol. The human tolerance of transfat is zero. You simply shouldn't take any. Bad cholesterol can cause heart problems, but bad cholesterol from things like lard don't eat up your good cholersterol. Trans fat does. And its derived from vegetable oil passed through hydrogen. Imagine these solid oil particles coagulating into solid form in room temperature in your veins. Scary.

Now if anything, those two simple reasons alone should convince you not to eat KFC chicken. Its simply not healthy. Freaky chicken or not. Note that American food manufacturers are flooding the market with Genetically Modified (GM) fruits and vegetables. Tomatoes which have insect DNA which will prevent insects from eating the tomatoes. Yelch. Those are not labelled GM in Singapore. But that's not the point. The point is, if they can genetically modify fruits and vegetables just to avoid using more pesticides on them, why would they not think of genetically modifying chickens so that they have less feathers or bigger breasts? Chew on that. Just don't chew on KFC chicken.

Anyway, that's the theory this week. Next installment on "The World Accoring to Ah Siong", I shall tell you about the Mystery Sects. Those mysterious people who call themselves the Illuminati, the Freemasons... the list goes on... Stay tuned...

Crisis Averted? Not so fast buddy...

2006-07-16T02:51:00.000+08:00

To my microscopic audience out there.... sorry for being gone so long... as I've discovered, I tend to retreat even further into myself when I'm in crisis ...sorta like going back to the real me - that introverted little boy who lives inside his head...so that's where I'm been the past few months, plumbing the inner recesses of my mind for a few more answers... not that there are any new ones, actually.

Since the last time we met, I still haven't set the world on fire with my film. In fact, I was terribly disappointed not to have made the deadline for Toronto Film Fest in June. I had some difficulties pumping out a full version out of my mac for submission, not to mention that the sound editing and score have not been completed yet. In fact, the soundtrack is being scored as we speak... or at least I hope it is.... As for the sound editing, that hasn't started yet so its looking like an early september finishing line for submission to Sundance, which hopefully will mean that I finally get to lift this albatross off my neck. Its come to the point where the film has been so long in my hands that I'm beginning to feel its weight the longer the time it takes to get seen. I desperately need it to be submitted so that another part of the adventure can take off. Once it is finished in earnest, hopefully it'll get admitted to some festivals and take off... then I can start hallucinating about making my dream come true..

As of now, I've stepped right back into hell to pay my bills. Corporate Communication at Temasek Polytechnic...that's how depressing it is. Heck, I didn't even apply for the job! I applied for the job 3 years ago and then a couple weeks back, their guy calls me up and asks me if I'm still interested. Being desperate for money, I said yes and Bam! Here I am, civil servant number 2626. To top it all off, their total annual package is not even as good as my previous job! The only thing that made me happy is that my bank account looks happier now. It was desperately sad two weeks ago but now its beginning to look less like an Ethiopian.

That's not the worst of it actually. The worst of it is that since taking the job, I've discovered I've lost the taste for reporting. As a result of being a sub-editor and video editor and not meeting anybody else in the course of my work, now I totally hate calling anyone up and asking for help. It's like I've totally gone back to being someone who hates calling people on phones and talking to anyone.

I think I might never like another job in this lifetime ever again. But then again, so does everybody. I'm in search of business ideas so if anyone of you is interested in some extra-curricular e-commerce venture do give me a buzz.

Doing scary things remains the only cure to the problems we have, I think. I know what the solution to most of my problems are. The thing is, they are hard solutions. Solutions which require a lot of courage, risk taking and straight out balls. Sometimes its hard to take the big leap. Sometimes I know I need to pump up those leaping muscles first before I take the plunge. Life rewards the brave. It always has. My advise is take life by the horns and try not to get gored so much. Things really can't turn out different if you don't try something different. That's physical logic. There is no such thing as luck or coincidence. We have to create out own luck. Only through doing new things can new factors conjure up new probabilities and coincidences for us. That's the only way to increase the chances of a miracle happening to you. You just have to go out there and do something different. What's there to lose? Your life? You're already losing it by the minute. You might as well take the chance to make it interesting. That's my new goal. To keep trying and not be so scared.

Third Rock From The Fun

2006-01-02T18:45:00.000+08:00

Well, its been a couple of months since my last blog and my small (read: microscopic) audience out there might be wondering what's brewing in my neck of the woods. To keep things short, I've been shooting my movie. And now I know why so few people try their hand at this - cos its really tough. Really. It is. Tough enough that some days I wonder why the hell did I want to do this in the first place?!

Well, first things first. I didn't end up shooting with the cinematographer (cameraman, DOP, take your pick...) I first wanted. I had wanted my brother to take up the duties behind the camera but alas, he had forgotten to mention (or did I not remember this at all...who knows?) that he gives tution every night, which made it impossible for him to shoot like half the movie. So in desperation, I had to call my friend Ben to step in behind the camera. Thing is, Ben's not exactly Greg Tolland n his lack of experience (and mine) meant that my actors had to watch painfully as we tried to get the shots I wanted. It doesn't help that apparently my brother and I enjoy a verbal shorthand whereby he actually 'gets' what shot I want when I gesticulate my hands wildly in the air. Ben unfortunately doesn't sometimes. Which is no knock on Ben but there are days I wonder if I should've gotten to the gym more so that I had the muscles to handle the camera myself. The hyperthyroid shakey hands in any case doesn't help. Oh well....

The shoot was ok initially but soon the schedule soon got derailed when my lead actor turned up with no voice. Yup. Silent movie. What to do? Shoot around it. But I lost a day and a half of shooting nevertheless with one MC day given to the poor actor (or poor me, depending on who you know better). So we're officially behind. And the outdoor shoot's not even started yet.

Not surprisingly, there were more delays in the outdoor shoots. I had ambitiously wanted to shoot in Orchard Road for more production value. And to top it all off, I wanted to recreate my own Woody Allen moments of 'long track' conversations. So we had to get our shots before anybody caught on and between rushing for the locations and the bad takes we had, I'd probably scheduled the workdays a little too tight...Still the Executive Producer in me keeps telling me to keep an eye on the bottom line. More shoot days mean more salaries for the actors. Then of course I have to satisfy the writer and director who keep telling me I'm not getting the shots I wanted. How do you keep you, yourself, and Terence happy and still not alienate the actors and DOP? Try your best, the voices whisper. I try to listen.

I saw in an interview with Sydney Pollack where he said that he doesn't enjoy the shooting process all that much. On a shoot, he recounted the enormous pressure of being in charge of 200 men, scouting for locations, looking out for the budget and getting the shots he wanted on top of getting the right performances from the actors. The part he enjoyed most was the editing. He called the process of production - mining clay - whereas editing was more like the sculpting that an artist does.

After going through my first full length production, I fully understand what he means now. Its an enormous pressure when you're the Man controlling everything. You're responsible for anything that goes on and everything that goes wrong is your fault. Its tough for a 200 men crew but the problems are just as real when you're the crew of one trying to pull off the job of 200 men with actors who've seen more seasoned professionals than you. I certainly hope I didn't come off as being too green to my actors. Certainly when I look at the footage that I have, I see only the mistakes that I made. I see shots I want redone which I didn't insist on. Should I have been a more tight ass about my artistic vision or should I have 'moved on' with it like the good producer that I am? I wish I was more schizophrenic. Maybe then I would've been able to make better decisions.

99.9% of the movie has been shot. I need one or two pick-up shots which I still have to shoot. I'm as they say "in post production". So far, I don't really like what I'm seeing. Its not what I wrote on my screenplay. All I see is promise unfulfilled. Now I understand why some directors only see the mistakes they made when they shot the film. Shooting a film involves making compromises. God knows I'm not one who likes to compromise. My wife keeps telling me its great for a first try. Still, whenever I hear that I just think, "but it could've been better! Its not supposed to be this way!"

Sigh. Now, I have to try my darndest so that I can craft out an enjoyable yarn that everyone can enjoy. I hope all of you see what I meant to create and the story I tried to tell all the world. Hopefully when I'm done you'll be able to see the images and emotions that I meant to capture.

Still, through all this, when my mind quietens down and I reflect on my life, I am filled with the comfort that I've kept my promise to myself. It may have been tough and it might get even uglier in the days ahead but when it all dies down and I look back, I'll know, always, that I gave my dream my best shot. No regrets. I've finally done it. Nobody can take that away from me. Not even if I end up in a crummy job with no windows.

Something Shitty This Way Blows

2005-10-18T16:42:00.000+08:00

What other things could go wrong? Shortly after turning 30, I've managed to set back my shooting schedule by at least a month by breaking the camera (its since been sent for repair), I found out that the real reason I'm losing weight is cos I have hyperthyroid and then I find out that you can get sent to jail for writing a blog, and worse yet...if you're still in the habit of underpaying for your bus fare, the government could send you to jail!

So, what's the worst thing? Well, I guess its the hyperthyroid. Still there is a silver lining to that one as well. For a while, I thought I had diabetes or kidney disease, cos I was losing weight and going to the loo more often. The blood tests and urine tests came back negative for both but it did come back positive for Hyperthyroid. So what's hyperthyroid you might ask. Well, its when your thyroid gland is hyperactive, resulting in your metabolism being increased abnormally such that your heartbeat increases, you lose weight alarmingly, your hands shake and your throat swells. Turns out you're more subsceptible to it if someone in your family already has it. Genetic they say. For a while I was gaining muscle from my newfound gym routine. Watching my pecs grow was fun until I discovered they were melting away in a span of days. Too strange, I thought. Abnormal, it must be. And sadly, I was proved right.

Another side effect was that I noticed that my blood sugar had risen. Tests done a year ago reflected less blood sugar in my body. Although I'm not diabetic, in spite of the glucose spike, I've read that people with Hyperthyroid are often diagnosed with Type II diabetes, which thankfully goes away when the hyperthyroid is brought under control. So the good news is that I don't have diabetes...yet. The bad news is diabetes runs in both sides of my family so the chances are pretty large for a person with my genetic inheritance.

And to make matters worse, I then discover that you can get sent to jail for writing a blog which the authorities don't like. Sedition they say. What comes next I wonder? Will anyone dare grouse about the sad state of affairs in our country? Will anyone still dare to speak their mind, knowing that prowling around that next cybercorner is the government's big stick? Now I'm not supporting what they wrote or their views (in fact, I don't even know what they wrote! I didn't read it) but there needs to be a limit to the amount of persecution in this country. By sending these people to jail, the powers that be are telling us "hey, we can get you. So don't even think of saying anything which I think is bad....or you'll suffer the consequences." Is it any surprise that most of us are paranoid about authority? How do you ever hope to have a nation of creative, strong, independent minded citizens when the citizens are constantly cowed into not speaking their minds. Its like the story of the boogie man. It doesn't matter if the boogie man exists or not. As long as I don't refute his existence to my child, he will always be in fear of it and won't dare to step outside his boundaries. You don't even need to do anything physical to the child to intimidate him. The fear of the unknown is enough to scare him into compliance.

How about those bus fares? Getting fined $500 - $1000 for not paying that 20cents extra? Who owns the bus company?

Oooh! How dare you write about such things in your blog!! You're gonna get jailed for sure!!!....I hear you say. Maybe...maybe...but if I do, its only because I spoke my mind. As a citizen of this country, I think its within my rights to discuss things which I find unfair in this little rock of ours. Truth is, most of us love our country. We will die for our loved ones. We just don't think much of the way everything's being runned. Someone once said that the government should be of the people, by the people and for the people. I subscribe to that. I don't think that I could run the government, but I do know that we shouldn't be made to feel that we can't say what's on our minds if we have our nation's interest at heart. And if what we say sounds prickly to the folks up there, its not because we like to criticise them, its because we feel that the people should be taken care of better. We pay taxes so they can have salaries. It'll be a travesty if I pay their salaries and they lock me up when I comment on their performance. If you are the shareholder in a company, shouldn't you be able to speak your mind to the management, look over the accounts of the company and vote in company matters? The shareholders of Disney took the CEO and the companies' board to court for overpaying on a golden parachute to one of the employees they sacked. They might not have won but this just proves that they have the right to question.

Now more than ever, you hear everyone talking about immigration. From the taxi-driver to the rich man, everyone's talking about leaving. Everything's going bad. Times are only going to get worse. I can't tell you that things will get better. I only know that in a democratic country, the people deserve the government they get. Cos they are the ones who go to the polls and vote. If all you care about is which side can offer you more candy, then I say to you my friend, you deserve everything you're going to get. Its that simple. Only when you dare to make a choice will you shape your destiny. Those who choose poorly have to live with their choices.

A lot of us are stuck here even though we want to leave. Its a question of money and resources, and family. Should we leave this place cos we think nothing can be changed? Maybe. But I think it'll be a much greater deed if we try to change the things we think are wrong and make this place a better place for everyone, especially for those of us who don't have Permanent Residence permits in foreign countries.

My Twenties Are Over Tomorrow

2005-09-26T19:01:00.000+08:00

Today is the last day of my twenties. Yup, this time tomorrow, I'll officially be 30. What have I achieved in my life? Not much. The movie still hasn't been made yet. I've not made it big like Spielberg when he was 27. Auditions for my movie were held over the weekend. So I'm glad I'm doing something to fulfill my dreams. Let's just hope that I don't fall flat on my face reaching out for that pie in the sky.

I went to my classmate's wedding over the weekend. She looked fabulous in her wedding gown. But part of me couldn't help thinking if finding that someone comes down to timing rather than choice. Would she have gotten married to a man of her dreams if she had waited a year or two more? Or would she have married her Mr Right a few years earlier if things had gone right. On days like these, I tend to think that we sometimes settle down becos we feel like its time to do so. The man that you might marry might not have been someone you would've considered in your twenties but once you hit the big 30, some girls might lower their expectations and go for someone who's less of a dreamboat.

People often accuse men of not being romantic. Women often laud themselves for their romantic souls. In my little periscope on the world, I've found that men are more dedicated to romance than most of us think. Most women I know go through a phase in their teens and twenties where they dream about the perfect man with the perfect face, dashing in his sports car (substitute for that white stallion), rich with brains and style, sweeping off their feet in a seaside wedding in a villa in the mediterranean. Romance is most alive in them when they at this stage in their lives.

But then, something happens when they approach their late twenties and thirties. Suddenly, they realise their need to get married. That is when romance gives way to our biological instincts. Its been postulated that cave women chose their men according to their ability to provide. Things haven't changed that much in two millenia. When women hit this stage of their lives, some of them will drop most of their romantic visions of that prince on a stallion and settle for a man who's able to provide a steady income to his family and who has a steady career. The dreamboat criteria goes out the window. No more illusions of that dark, mysterious man. Nope. That prerequisite only applies to your boyfriends. That's why you can spot downright UGLY men with gorgeous wives. These men didn't get lucky cos they were dashing and charming. They got lucky cos they were stable men who could provide emotional and financial security. What about love you ask? Well, love's there. But its no longer coloured by quests for common interests, well-toned physiques and chiselled looks.

So how do I make the case for the romantic male you might ask. Well, let's look at that ugly rich dude who married his foxy wife. How did that guy end up with that girl? Well, I think its because he clung onto his vision of romance. That's how he got what he wanted. He was probably an ugly kid, a geeky teenager and a greasy man but there's no doubt that this man dreamt of a wife with long lustrous auburn tresses, eyes as shiny as crytals, skin as white as snow, with the heart of an angel and the body of a devil. Th guy probably suffered great rejection through most of his life but he clung onto his vision and went about amassing wealth and knowledge to make himself desirable. And in the end, he got the girl of his dreams.

What about the girl? Did she get the man of her dreams? I don't know. Partially I guess. She probably married someone who's great to her but would she have wanted someone magnetically attractive as well? Probably. But practicality triumphs over romance in the world of the average gal. This is not meant as a knock on women. Its just my idiosyncratic look at the world. But I think that those fine women that I know who are smart, beautiful and not married, are the ones who have not compromised on their vision of that perfect man. Now, I'm not saying that they necessarily should be looking for looks. No. Not at all. They should be looking for someone who stirs the cockles of their hearts with a smile. Its just such a pity when the need to get married winds up with the man of their dreams not getting that beautiful wife and that beautiful lady not ending up with her handsome man.

I have friends who are not married who are fabulous people. But sometimes, it takes a long time for the right person to come into your path in life. I've always been introverted. Most of my friends in my primary and secondary school will attest to that. But talk to someone from my workplace and you would end up with a description of a loudmouth who can't stop talking. So what gives? I don't really know but I know that in my head I've always had a great need to be liked and I would always think about jokes in my head when I was a kid. The only thing was, I was so shy that I invaribly lived inside my head and never came out of my shell. Things changed however, when I entered sec 3. I desperately wanted everyone to know the other me inside my head and I went about a painful exercise to let everyone in on some of the things going on inside my head.

The result is I tend to be full of jokes and wisecracks among casual friends. Its like a defensive mechanism to make friends and be liked but its like I share my funny side with my friends but am still too introverted to share the rest of my quiet persona. The result is my close buddies know me for who I am whilst some of the friends I've made when I'm older only know of me as that joker but not much else.

My wife often told me that when we were working together, I would disturb everyone with my running commentary on the world to the point where she would hide herself behind her earphones. But eventually she realised that outside of my jokes, she didn't really know anything substantial about me. Its like I was a vending machine for jokes with no hint of the persona inside.

Now, why is all this relevant to what I wrote earlier? Well, the thing is some of my friends who are still single are like me. They maybe seemingly riotous with jokes every single minute but most of the casual outside world do not see the person behind the laughter. Its like everyone thinks their first impression of you is the most accurate. But what if all you're seeing is the frothy foam at the top? would you think to blow off the foam and reach for the rich beer underneath the foam? More oftten than not, that's the main reason why they haven't found someone they could spend the rest of their lives with. They don't have the opportunity to spend more than a few casual moments with the members of the opposite sex so that their real self can emerge. It just makes meeting people all the more problematic when the first impression you throw is merely a caricature of your sense of humour. Very few people think to look beyond the surface into the person within.

There have been a lot of great funny men like Jim Carrey, Johnny Carson or Steve Allen. The common thing about these men is that in a loud party full of strangers, you'd probably find them slinking quietly in one corner playing the piano. Sometimes, in interviews, you'll see deep pools of sadness in their eyes in the moment when they've just stopped laughing and joking. Within those eyes of sadness is the real person within the comedian. Its that quiet person inside who overcompensates for his shyness who is able to find so much humour for the world to laugh at and like them for. Hopefully, when you next see a loud man with boisterous laughter, you'd be able to see the quiet man residing just beneath the pupils of his eyes.

A Mushrooming Society

2005-08-19T16:13:00.000+08:00

I had a chat with a buddy of mine recently. We were just shooting the breeze and like most of the conversations we've had, this one ventured into our thoughts of Singapore again. For those of you out there who've no idea what singapore is, well, its an island city-state in Southeast Asia with no natural resources which in the last 40 years under the (some say iron)rule of the one political party, has blossoomed into a (somewhat) developed economy with a distinctly third world political climate. Originally a modest 2.7 million strong, the Singaporean goverment has injected 1.3 million foreigners into Singapore, making the population an official 4 million.

One of the pet peeves my friend and I bitch about is the cost of living in Singapore. In the last 26 years, the price of a government built Housing Development Board (HDB) flat/apartment has increased from a measly S$18,000 to an averrage of S$240,000 today whilst the average wage of the flat-owner has but only increased two-fold from S$2,000 to S$4,000. This dramatic increase in the price of the flat, however, has not resulted in a massive increase in the quality of the flat. In fact, HDB flats are still death-traps as each apartment has only one exit with no fire exit in sight. Local condominiums, however, are obliged to follow the country's building fire safety code in having two exits to each apartment. Sadly for the rest of the 90% of the country, these safety standards are deemed too expensive to adhere to. The dramatic increase in the price of flats also means that most singaporeans today are 'blessed' with a 30-year mortgage whereas flat buyers 26 years ago would only be burdened with at most a five year mortgage. Most pay up completely upon purchase of the flat. The weird thing about flats nowadays is that, they've actually become smaller which makes the price per square feet even more expensive.

As a 'developed' country, multi-national companies love Singapore as we have no minimum wage written into our labour law and in fact, we have a council board deciding the wages of our workers and this wage committee has MNC-affliated members on board deciding the wages of our people - whether to decrease wages when profits are bad or to increase them when times are good.

The sad thing is that in the span of 40 years, Singapore has turned from a country of enterprising immigrants to a modern city state of employees. Prosperity in those early days meant a small food stall or small business. The ability to be your own boss was the yardstick for success. if you were a boss, you're successful. Today, we've been encouraged to study hard for that degree and get that high paying job. This is the yardstick for sucess now. However, nobody figured out that the strength of a country's economy depends on its local business community of small businessmen. So with dwindling local entrepreneurs, our economy is increasingly dependent on foreign investment which has no loyalty to the well-being of our citizens. The idea of a job paying for your retirement is also now a fallacy given the increase in our mortgage liability, increased medical bills and employment trends which encourage the retrenchment of employees above 45 years old for cost reasons. The encouragement of Singaporeans to take up jobs was in part to provide a workforce for large MNCs but with more of these MNCs uprooting for other countries, isn't it wiser for our workforce to be more business savvy so that they can start their own businesses?

Business, of course, was not so regulated then. Licenses were next to nonexistent, rent was cheap and labour was cheap. As 90% of Singapore is HDB flats, the price of land in Singapore is deeply tied to the price of HDB flats. In the 90's, citizens were promised an increase in the asset value of their flats. This resulted in the dramatic increase in price of HDB flats and the resultant increase in rental costs in Singapore. Although this has resulted in a bouyant real estate industry, singapore real estate still has not recovered from the bubble of the 90's. And with depressed salaries now the norm, it is increasingly difficult for singaporeans to afford private housing without paying the price later in terms of low retirement savings. That's why there's the saying that Singaporeans are asset rich but cash poor. The high price of flats have also meant the singaporeans need a minmum amount of salary to pay for their mortgage. This has also increased the average wage of Singaporeans, making them less attractive to MNCs.

The fact is that we live in capitalistic world. Karl Marx wrote about this a century ago and the world today is still capitalist. In a capitalist society, the bougeoursie minority are in control of most of the resources of the country whereas the proletariart majority work for the bougeoursie minority for little pay. In simple terms, a bougeoursie is a person who owns a business while a proletariart is an employee. In a capitalist world, only a bougeoursie is guaranteed success, whilst proletariarts eke out survival paycheck to paycheck. Singapore, 40 years ago, altho poorer, had more petty bougeoursies than proletariarts. That's cos a job then couldn't keep you alive for long. You'll need to work 2-3 jobs to survive.

To thrive in a capitalist society, it is important for a society to turn up ever increasing numbers of bougeoursies. In other words, it is better to run a small business than to sit under the payroll of someone else. There are few jobs in this world that will pay you enough for you to not be in want.

Maslow's hierachy of needs state that physiological needs are the lowest in his hierachy. Those in need of staples of life like food, lodging and water will not yearn for high level needs like democracy and freedom. The sad thing is, if we do not strive to take control of our higher level needs, we might never learn how to overcome and satisfy our physiological needs. Its time to take control of your life and change your fate. Do what is necessary to help yourself, your family and your friends to have a better life. Start a small business on the side. Try to learn more about how you can create and own assets which provide income. The house you live in is not your asset. It is your biggest liabilty. cos nobody is paying you rent for your property. You, in fact, are paying installments to someone else. Think about that. Rental may not be such a bad thing if all you're going to buy is a lease-hold apartment which you'll never own. 90% of all housing in Singapore is lease-hold.

Sometimes I don't know who I am

2005-07-15T17:02:00.000+08:00

Forrest Gump's mom once told him that "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get."

I think Life is more like an acid trip or marijuana trip. You never know where it might lead you. You can't quit halfway through once you've taken the first step and it sends you topsy-turvy on a trip without boundaries, beyond expectations, through the most wonderful colours you've ever seen, through the best and worst feelings you'll ever have, and beyond all expectations and knowledge you thought you had of yourself. Its an out of control ride which you enjoy more if you embraced the changes and roll with the punches and the highs. And a decidedly unforgiving ride if you are one who cling onto things that you shouldn't hold onto. Cause you'll be torn apart trying to hold onto things that'll melt into the walls and disappear.

Its hard to cling onto happiness down this ride we're on. Happiness is like a fruit flavour you want to milk out of in your mouth before it melts away to nothingness down your throat. It has to be grasped and enjoyed in the moment. It is fleeting, beautiful when treasured in its glorious all-encompassing moment, but loses its magic when held onto for too long like a magic potion past its sell by date.

Most times, I wish I could just hold onto what makes me happy a while longer. I don't know if its me or its just the way life is. I always think I have things figured out and then l get the rug pulled from underneath my feet. Sometimes things seem so perfect in one moment but the more steps you take moving forward, the more things start crumbling apart. Was I responsible? Did I get rewarded with eternity or was it all meant to change and fall apart from the very first day I laid eyes on it? Why can't things be like what they were on the first day I experienced that first flush of bliss? Why must we continue to fight and claw just to capture a sliver of what thrilled us on that every first moment of sacred love? Is it anyone's fault? Did I see the colours for what they were or did my eyes deceive me and all I saw were the patterns in my head? Is it a matter of perception or is it a fluid matter of fact?

A lot of times, you hear someone say love is everlasting. You hear someone speak of how marriage surpasses all that you've ever found courtship to be. Marriage seems to be this perfect institution where only perfect people reside. From the prism in my eye, the view is decidedly different. Marriage is an institution built on the very paragons of perfect love, where mere mortals aspire to forge their love into an everlasting bond to last all time and space, forsaking all others, even ourselves.

The reality is, mortals are human. Everyone has their own faults. Sometimes, love can be made to look unflinchingly second rate next to its fairy tale cousin described in the annals of love novels, next to the pure pristine power which we construct the institution of Marriage to be. We long for our love to lift us to the heavens above but our fears and our faults root us to the very ground we walk on. Sometimes we see the human side of our loved ones and we wonder if this was possibly something we should have known about earlier. Isn't marriage supposed to be about perfect love and aren't we all supposed to be happiest in marriage? Shouldn't people get married only if they are perfect for each other?

I think our perception of the beauty of marriage is misunderstood. The beauty of marriage comes not from the two perfectly matched people who are bounded flawlessly under the matrimony of the institiution. The beauty of marriage comes from the undying committment of two individuals who, despite the flawed nature of humanity and the unremitting selfishness of the human heart, so resolutely believe in ideal of matrimony that they are bound to stay cleaved to each other even if all sanity and rationality points to the opposite. That is the beauty of marriage. A marriage is perfect only in how much we believe in it, how much we are comitted to it. The very essence of being human is to be flawed. The aim of marriage is not to mould two flawed people into a perfect relationship without strife. Piecing two broken bowls together don't get you a perfect set of china. The lofty aim of marriage is to built a relationship rooted in a love which will not give up in spite of the enormous stress and hatred one can sometimes subject the other to in course of one lifetime. It is this resoluteness that exists in all of us which we've moulded into an institution.

Scientist have often compared love to a physical reaction which can be found in consuming large quantities of chocolate. They may be right. That bright flush of love is indeed like a drug which intoxicates. That is why chinese have two chinese characters for love - ai qing. The intoxicating flush of love, that feeling of breathlessness is ai. It lasts for as short as two weeks and as long as years. But the real anchor of love, the real gravitas that bounds two people together for all time lies in qing - the second character the chinese use for love. Qing has no single english equivalent. Qing refers to emotion, commitment. And it is Qing which binds us together through thick and thin, through richer or poorer, through sickness and in health, and it is in this comittment which marriage should be viewed under.

Ai Qing - love - involves committment just as much as love. It is the test of your love to see how much committment you can avow to someone you love. There are countless novels and science fiction movies which explore the human condition. All of them agree on the flaws and weaknesses of the human race. But all of them resolutely agree that the only attribute which give us all credit is our human spirit. In it, we find the committment in our love, our committment to always try to seek better ways of doing things and to never give up on all things worth fighting for. It is this attribute which keeps us here even through two world wars and terrorists. We still believe we can do better. We still believe we can love one another better. That I think is what gives us hope for the future.

Pidgeonhole me, please

2005-07-06T05:06:00.000+08:00

Life gets really tough sometimes. When those times come, each of us instinctively want to seek refuge in the familiar - things and people who are well-known to us and whom we've known for a long time. Thing is, just as changes come and they unsettle us, those very people whose character and familiarity that we've come to depend on, will also change, even if they seem to be the same exact person we see in our minds.

Those kind of changes, I think, unsettle us the most. Lately my wife has been grappling with the increasing mortality of her father. Still coming off the hormone treatment for his cancer, my father-in-law is now grappling with the mood swings that these hormones bring and a denegerating back condition brought on by the side effects of these hormones. As for me, my mum was recently diagnosed with diabetes and a heart condition. Not able to risk the invasiveness that an angioplasty brings, my mum now has to live on a cocktail of drugs to keep the illnesses at bay. For both of us, the sight of our parents suddenly rendered helpless and vulnerable by illness is a painful reminder of how even the strongest people we know are not immune to the ravages of time.

Sometimes I have to remind myself to stop perceiving people in the same way that I've perceived them all my life. It gets too easy sometimes, to keep thinking of someone as being the same way as they've always been, and avoid the unnecessary trouble of getting to know them all over again. Friends that you've not seen for a couple of years should still remain that same person whom you've known those years back, shouldn't they? Imagine all the time you would need to invest if you have to know your friends all over again? What if they're not the same person that you knew ten years ago? Would you still want to be their best friend? Should you feel its safer to assume they are still the same...? I hope not.

Sometimes friends just grow apart. Life gets busier and you have less time for your friends. In your heart you still feel emotionally bonded to your best friends but not all of them will feel the same and share that same bond. A lot of times, we envision people to be the same, no matter how much time has gone by. Sometimes, I wonder what kind of image people have of me. I don't drink, smoke or like to go to discos. I don't even like to socialise all that much. But I love to be with my friends and family, and if they like to be in my company, or if they're in need, I'd drop anything to spend time with them. I remember always telling my wife of my times in BMT, when the bunch of us would huddle in the yellow box outside the bunk and my buddies and me would bitch and swap stories of the day just past as they puffed away on their ciggies. One thing she always wondered was why I hung around with them if I didn't like second hand smoke. My reply would always be, "they're my buddies dear, we like to chat. What has cigarettes have to do with any of that?"

There have been lots of things that I've voiced out loud stuff that I shared with my friends. Sometimes, I'd hear an odd remark like, "You're so shy, you can do that meh?" And I'll instinctively think to myself, "now if you want to pidgeonhole me and that's all you're ready to accept about me, then I shouldn't bother telling you any different. Wouldn't make any difference anyway." Sometimes, we just think our friends remain the same way even if they've changed over the years. Sometimes, people mistake my principles as dogmatism. The truth is my friends are very important to me. If there's one thing to take with you, its that friends are more important than principles to me, even if I am a man of principles. It just saddens me sometimes when people assume the wrong things about me.

Quarterlife Crisis - Have you had yours yet?

2005-06-30T06:16:00.000+08:00

Today, for the first time, I read the blog of someone I actually knew personally. The mindblowing thing is that I feel I know my friend a little better from his five blogs than I have in years. Sad to say, we haven't kept in touch regularly for a couple of years but I'm glad to say that he's turned me on to the world of blogging, and hopefully within these four panels of our browsers, all of us can start to know one another a little better. Great blog, Mr Bond! Hopefully, you'd like mine too...

My friend Mr Bond and I share something which some of you out there might be familiar with: we are in our late 20's (well, the last year of our 20's anyway) and we have no freaking idea what to do with the rest of our lives. I don't know if our father's generation (the baby boomers) ever went through this uncertainty in this stage of their lives (maybe they did) but it sure feels like the stakes have never been higher than it is now for us.

I know it probably sounds lame and self-pitying for every other well-adjusted individual out there. You've probably wondered this yourself sometimes, why aren't you happy? You have a job, you're young, don't be too ambitious, try to be happy, ok? But we're not. I don't know if we can see further into our own future than the baby boomers did when they were young but I think a crisis comes around every single time you ponder about your life. Sadly (or thankfully), us humans only reflect upon our lives in detail three times in our lives.

The first time of course is when you're at the quartermark of your life, which for me is now. Things are pretty straightforward before you're 25, you play, study, try to pass your exams, get a college degree. But from the ages of 25 - 30, you're supposed to prepare yourself for the most productive decade of your life, your 30's. This is the decade where we define ourselves in our careers and our personal lives. You have to decide what you want to do with your life, get married and whether you want to have kids or not. Sadly, this is not helped by the fact that the second decade of our lives, our 20's, feels like the shortest one too especially since all Singaporean men spend the first half of it in the army, then in university, and the rest of the time getting drunk, partying, and trying to get by on our meager paycheck. Not the most conducive time to ponder what to do with the rest of your life.

What makes this worst is this, if you're 29 like me and Mr Bond, we belong to the slacker nation of Generation X - the generation which was old enough to remember how cheap and affordable everything used to be in the late 70's and early 80's , and young enough to see escalating prices, our shrinking purchasing power and the financial futility of holding on to a job the rest of our lives. Movie tickets were $2.50 a piece when I saw my first movie. Today, it is $9.50. Sad thing is, if you earned $2000 a month back then, you'd have belonged to the middle class. Today, if you earn anything less than $4000 a month, you are distinctly in the lower class of our society. See the disparity between the price increase and the salary increase. That is no typo error.

On the tenth day of my first job, as a creative writer with a huge company which makes soundcards, I realised that in order to make what my supervisor makes, which is about $3-4k a month, I would need to put in about a decade worth of time, given that he/she was about 37-40 years old. I could see myself slaving away in a desk job just so I can get my crummy paycheck. That was the first time I realised life wasn't just a series of job changes with higher salaries. Of course, I immediately called my friend and suggested we start a business but there aren't a lot of 25 year olds who would give up his first job to start a web-designing firm.

I don't know how to describe the feeling of a crisis accept that its the longest depression that I've ever been under. I'm depressed all the time. I question everything. I know that if I stick to a job the rest of my life, I'll likely get retrenched when I'm 45 becos of some young 25 year old who could do my job for less than half the pay. But how do I ensure I have enough money to pay for the mortgage every month if I don't have a steady paycheck. If I quit my job to start a business, when can I hope to have a child, or to get married? If I leave it till late, is it still save for my wife to get pregnant if she's going to be 35 and older? then again, there's not much promise left in the world to leave to your kids except more terrorism and freemasons so am I sure I want to have kids? Then of course, you have to deal with nagging parents, and relatives who are more interested in your personal than you are.

Thing is, the quarterlife crisis is actually the most important reflection point in our lives. If I don't deal with these issues now, I can be sure they'll turn up again in the next time I reflect on my life.

Which is the Midlife Crisis. When you're 40-45, most people will look back and reflect on what they've done so far. This is the decade when you're already supposed to be established in your career with a bunch of teenagers running rings around your house if you were so lucky(or unlucky) to have kids. Imagine the earthquake you'll experience if you found out you didn't do what you really wanted to do in life. Would you quit your job then, get a red sports car and a mistress? Some people do. I'm wishing that when I'm that age, I can safely say, i wouldn't do anything different, had a great life so far man!

The last time you reflect on your life of course is when you've no more teeth and no more enery to do anything different. This is probably when you take stock of life and prepare yourself for your next journey into wherever you'll wish you'll end up.

As I reach ever closer to the big 30, the thought of being in my crummy job and never fulfilling my dreams scare me more than ever before. The fact that I need a steady income to support any kids i wanna have, and my wife and mortgage only serve to increase the dilemma of the situation. Somebody once told me that Singaporeans give up on life too easily. They stop living in their 30s. I'm hoping to livve on the edge. So I've packed up as much savings and courage as I can and I've quit my job to try and cobble together a feature film of some sort before I get too old and afraid to put my whole life on the line. The friends that I hold dear to my heart understand my decision and my wife (love you boo) supports me 100%. Its going to be ridiculously tough and it might look foolish to some, but hopefully by the end of my 30th birthday, I can say to all my friends, "hey, I gave it my best shot, no regrets and I'm ready for whatever life's going to throw at me now that I've acted on my dreams."

Hopefully you had fun reading this as much as I had pleasure writing it for you. LIke what Steve Jobs said to the commencement class of Stanford 2005, I hope all of you "Stay hungry, stay foolish"

Cheers